~

Mmm~ took a break from writing here for a bit....

One application down....8 to go~ =)

Least most of the work for the rest is done....might take a break for a couple o days before returning to the mill~ =)

For now....to bed~

~

I've noticed that how busy I am is almost perfectly correlated with the length of time between face shaves.....

Lately I can't even remember when I last did......which pretty much captures it all...hahaha~

Ahhh~.....this is the first night in ages that I feel pretty relaxed and free....a Guiness by the side helps too~ ;)

For some it seems to taste different today for some reason....I usually dislike bottled guiness but this one seems really smooth.....either that or it's simply been too long since I last had one....hahahah~

The application madness is slowing down for now.....just have to polish up my statements....research faculty work areas in greater detail.....write up a few unique sections for some applications and I'm home free!.....

Well for a month or two.....then high level interviews prepping...and God willing....major prepping for a major life change (or bumming about debating which path to try next....hahahaha~)......

Perhaps soon....I can let my mind rest...and my heart feel.... =)

~

And with that the offline applications are sent on their way....

The next monster to ride against....my statement.....

2nd draft still far from satisfactory.....2 weeks before the first one's due...3 weeks before the next.....a month before it's time for the legendary 5 to be sent theirs....

Least once that's done, it's all pretty much set... =)

Least I'm feeling more cheerful...and a bit more optimistic~

One more major thing to get done....and the application storm will have passed.....

*hums change the world*....

Tired....

Whew~.....really long day....

Been filling forms and stuffing envelopes for what seemed like an eternity....

Really dead on my feet....gonna collapse in bed now..........

~

Hope springs eternal....

I wonder sometimes....how different my life would be if i had chosen easier roads.....

Quite different I expect.....

.........

Small talk is almost always dull......

I've noticed something interesting about myself...

When I find a soul fasinating....I almost never dabble in superficial conversation.....

I'm too driven....too understand the world of that soul...it's dreams....it's inner thoughts.....

And almost inevitably.....an interesting bond is forged.....a exchange of words that sparkles.....

I wonder sometimes....why so often a lot of people seem to want to root exchanges in material experiences....a recounting of experiences past and present.....

Regretably, few of us...myself included at this point....live lives that sparkle with interest to anyone but ourselves...and just possibly our mums....it's just the way things are....an exchange rooted in such is bound to inevitably trickle towards stagnation....

Tell me of dreams....sing to me of magic....show me~

Chances for meaningful meetings are rare....a juxtaposition of mood...circumstances...and the all important timing....

Tis usually best to strive to make them intensely fasinating.....

Passiveness is usually dull~

Prop or sword?

Mmmm~ life is interesting....

Things seem to be slowing down nicely for now....projects wrapping up neatly....applications slowly getting done.....

Can't quite breathe easy all the way just yet....but soon~

.....

As silly as it is to mistake a prop for a sword.....it's often sillier to mistake the sword for the prop....

There is the fake....and the real deal.....

Life isn't rose filled....don't expect to walk through life having everyone pat your back for half measures....

At the peak....objectivity reigns....in rising, I've taken more criticisms then you could probably imagine...I've torn myself and everything I thought I was brilliant at down with my own hands....and in hindsight, things weren't all that bad to begin with.....but they definitely could have been bettered....and so, with my own sword I'll ripped and at points in the future, re-rip everything to bits...few can even imagine how hard I am on myself....

What puzzles me....Is how so many wish to shelter themselves....to have pats on their backs and voices saying, Good job....great work...you're amazing.....when it isn't really true..... building false confidence on absurdities ....

People have a right to tear you down, if your work merits it.....to deny that right is to wish to be sheltered and pampered for life....do you really think the world was born to nurture you slowly and tenderly?....

The exception....is when the sword, is a prop......do you think it is~?

Chariots~

I must remember my purpose....

I mustn't lose sight of the will and vision that has been the reason for my life....

I've never wasted much time on meaningless thoughts....

Am I good enough to do this?....F that...I'll MAKE myself good enough....

Do I have what it takes?....Screw that....I'll FIND what it takes....

Does X or Y have some natural talent that makes them better then me? Should I even try?.....who gives a S***, I'll beat them anyway....

I have little patience....to hear anyone give excuses when they're not trying their damnest....

Don't give me crap when you're not sweating blood yet....

I'm not motivated enough....not passionate or driven enough....I like small goals....

Fine....everyone has their own life....stay out of my way and I'll stay out of yours.

I strive to live my life....like a chariot racing headlong towards the stars....not knowing if i'll get there...not really caring....pushing skywards as hard as my horses can ride....frame nearly breaking under the strain....heart in my hands and a grin on my face.....it's then that i know, I'm alive....

A few have drawn close and drawn back singed.....I can't stand rides going half steam and they in turn find my intensity unnerving...

If I have to ride my life alone....So be it... =)

Fight~

Mmmmmm~

I love this part of me....

Just when I start feeling like this is it....I don't have enough energy to push, it's time to drop some burdens.....

All a sudden I feel this surge of energy....a gritty, you're not knocking me down yet you bastard, type rush......

I'm not going down...Not Yet....

I've still got things to fight for before I take a break....

~

~
Show me....

Where my dreams rest at night...

Give me....

The pieces to mend my broken road....

Find me....

When I fall into myself....

~

I wonder....sometimes....

~

I think...one of the best parts of a real relationship....is having someone real there to share your heart and world with....

No friend....and oftentimes even family member can really match it....

In my last relationship...once that wasn't there....once a sense of fakeness began to creep in.....things were pretty much dead.....

Sharing....it has to be there....the good, bad the ugly....as much as possible, no secrets....no fears.....people don't always have to agree....

I have difficulties opening up...I know this quite well...the degree of cognitive control I have over myself frightens even me sometimes....God knows it frightens the people who draw close to me....it is difficult for me to describe the conscious control i exert on myself....

I get sick of it sometimes....letting my mind rule supreme....sometimes i just want to vent and let out my demons into the sky....rage and rant....let myself run loose....

Yet I also know what it would take for another to bear that side of me....esp coupled with my strong will and at times domineering presence.....and i know i haven't yet reached a point where I can allow that side out....not yet.....

Through these words then I shall let stream some of the passions that burns within my heart......

=)

Hahahah~ I feel better already....now to bed...

~

Mmmmm~...Feeling much better today....Probably be off to work again tomorrow~

Some dreams have costs...their weight in blood,sweat and tears....

Some dreams can only be dreamed if you're willing to pay the price....

I wonder how sometimes people can tell me their dreams whilst also telling me they know they'll never reach them...

Oo~ I'd love to get X, but it's just my dream, I don't think I'll get it and I'm fine if I don't...

Bullcrap....that's not a dream that's a fantasy....Don't waste your time fantasizing and don't waste my time telling me about them....

Dream...and reach for those dreams....that's what counts.....

Or perhaps you'd be content...never really having a dream...living a life you dont really enjoy, keeping yourself going with fantasy after fantasy.....

If you imagine yourself somewhere it feels better doesn't it?....if you imagine yourself being able to do something that takes years of effort~ *snap* it's as though you can do it already isn't it?......

I've lost count of the daydreamers i've met in my life....

Think I'm tough on people?.....you have no idea how searing the heat of the lens is turned inwards....

~

Still alive and now recovering...tgh my throat's still pretty bad.... =)

I think one of the things I strive for in life...are moments of transcendence...

Moments that affirm deep within my psyche that I am Human....Moments that resound in the hallways of my mind that my self is moving skywards not dredging itself in dirt....

Why do I relish demanding sports?....because at the moment of pure exhaustion, that no dabbler could ever reach......such moments exist....

Why do I strive against my baser instincts?.....at times to the annoyance of partners.....well simply put, any animal can indulge....find me one that can use its will to subvert the drive.....

Why do I build my mind and speak of love and dreams?.....because as I reach higher heights, those moments grow ever more frequent.....

....

Why do I walk alone?.....almost everyone seems content to live lives far from the skies....eat....work a little...play a little...never reaching for anything great....always wishing they had that special something...that miraculous force that if they just had, would make them amazing...

No free meals....We all have what it takes....What is missing is the will.....face up and accept the fact that exceptional"ness" is not in hand...is simply because you didn't want it enough...and didnt reach for it strongly enough.....

I have a failing in this regard tgh....I want it bad enough...I'll reach for it strongly enough....but sometimes i don't know my limits...or better put...I refuse to acknowledge them....I'll work and study till I fall sick....Go without sleep till I fall ill....Push my body so hard I end up with strain injuries.....

It's not a good thing by any means....but you know what....no one can ever look at my life in full and say....He didn't try hard enough.... =)

Will they say that of yours?

Dare to fail my arse....anyone can fail and plenty dare to anyway.....

Dare to succeed....Dare to live a life for it....Dare to do it, even when no one else will.....

That's how I want to live.....

~

Still not dead... =)

Fever rose last night till i started having this strange persistent delusion of running in a marathon most all of the night so I decided to drop by doctor this morning....

Fever was pretty high...39+ oral...so i'll probably be resting out the rest of the week....

Meds brought it down quick....so i'm pretty alright now....just a bit tired...

I find it interesting sometimes....that no matter how far and high we fly....at the heart of things, most people want quite simple things....

A place to belong to.....fun friends you know will always be there....good health.....true love...decent food...a dream to live for....

Everything else seems like icing~ =)

~

Sing softly to me tonight....
With gentle words spin me a web to rest in...
In turn let me tell you of my dreams...
Of magic in every world piece...Of music in every word....

=)

Feeling a bit better....still not dead....

In a strange way it's nice to fall sick every now and then....

I guess it forces me to sit still and rest....which is something i really need to do sometimes....

I'm glad that things are falling into place relatively neatly.....soon i'll really be able to take a well deserved....rest....

=)

~

Bah....tried to head to bed early but couldnt seem to rest....too many late nights i suspect... =)

Down with a mild fever atm which i suspect is a sideeffect of coming off some drugs the doc gave me....wrist inflammation from a full strength wall hit....was lucky not to break it~ =)

Probably why i felt a little short tempered yesterday....luckily enough i was resting at home....am feeling merrier now....tgh quite tired.... =\

Been a hectic few days....least i'm almost done with my first SOP draft...

Mmmm~ What are your dreams?......

I wonder how dreams would look if they were roses....a field full~

I wonder how mine would look if you could see them~ =)

~

Mmmm~ lovely song.... 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-I-lfjNg2Q

I like sweet romantic stuff~ stuff you if you dont~ ;)

Nights~

Mmmm~ weekend's finally here....plus an delightful 2 days off next mon & Tues....Mmmm~ delightful....hahahah~

I wondered for a moment today....if i could return to one night in my life....which would i pick?.....

Out of all the moments that have passed....which would be the one.....

I played back in my mind....dozens of moments....as may memorable nights as i could....

I guess it wasn't too surprising that I couldnt find one that i truely longed for....so many memories down my lane....but none which pull at my heartstrings hard enough to draw me towards them.....

To the future then~

Let the past be what it will.....

What I ache for....lies in the moments to come....

I know it....

Merry?

Mmmmm~ it's a lovely night......

It's been a pretty long day....eventful...purposeful....not too much magic, but i guess you can't have everything~

Don't feel too inspired to write anything tgh....

Just feel like resting here for awhile...songlist on random....drifting~...

HmmmM~ i rarely pen "what i did today posts"....I find them dull to read in my archives and somehow doubt that they'd really be any more interesting to anyone else...

It just seems more interesting to take a snapshot of my mind and emotions at this very moment....creating a album of Me(s) to browse through in the future....

Alas, the me of today is a bit too sleepy to write anything.... :)

Drift Drift Drift.....goodnight...

Melancholic tonight...

Which way to try to fly next?....

It's funny sometimes...how so many years, storms and dreams can ride past....and leave your core exactly the way it was....

Sometimes i wonder...how may life would have been or would be if I didn't decide all those years ago to create a side to face the world....to speak instead of dreaming in silence....to be "out there" instead of resting "in here"....to dance for the world to see~

Probably a lot worse i suppose...hahaha~

There's probably no way i could have stayed the same inside without a shield to ward off the shards of life as It Is....

I can show myself here....indulge in tenderness....admit my weaknesses....

Nowhere beyond these screen of words....You have to be tough...no room for softness....

You gotta be hard....tender hearts bleed....

You gotta be strong....bear up or break.....

I understand....quite well... =)....and i'll sing and dance however you want...I'll put on a one man dramatic show, one night only.....

That doesn't mean i have to like it...or that i have to be what i pretend to be.....

Only in my words....I bear them...both sheild and dagger...protecting against and destroying any threat that should dare cross my borders...

You call us cold...callous...unfeeling....Yet you made a world where to survive, this is the only way for us to be.....

We are what you willed us to be......the exceptions....

Are daft....broken...or riding high, alone~

~

First~?

Reopening~!

And my blog is hereby reopened! With some posts censored~ =P

Not that any of my readers know that it is yet...hahahaha~

It's nice to be back~ =)

Reprint Mania~

Hahhaha~ went through tons of old posts offline and online and picked out my favourites....wanted to have them all in a row for me to read with a hot cup of coffee in hand in the late evening....

I think sometimes i write to myself in the future....it seems at times as though my writings call out to the me to come to remind him that there's magic in his heart....that there's a side to himself that he's probably suppressed....to remind him...to love...and let himself be loved...if he can....

Blog's still sealed off from the world tgh...with no reader holding the key to it's pages....

I can feel the itch to open it's doors again....

Perhaps tonight~

Hmmmm~

Reprints~

Maybe today....

Today'll be the day....

I'll walk over to her room, push open her door, drift into her soft smiling brown eyes as they rise to meet mine, have my smile reflected in her's as I ask her out for a cup of coffee after work. A random thought and plan, thought up over a week.

How does it happen I wonder. What hand weaves the spell that draws my heart to yours? I could break free if I wanted to of course, but I think I'll just stay here for a while. Just for a bit, I'll dash off soon of course, I just want to rest in those dancing eyes for just a fraction of eternity. It's not much to ask, may I?

I know there are others who would wish to take your hand and have you be theirs. If you wish to go along those paths and tell me to move off or should you ever walk another path in silence, I'll drift off for good and you'll never even see my shadow ever again. As long as you stay here though. here I always will be.

Take my hand. Just for a moment. Let me sing to you. Let me carve dreams on these pages for you. Let me show you the dance of moonbeams on the curtains of the night as I whisper to you the music that echoes in my heart. Walk with me. For an hour, for a night, forever.

Reprints~

Burning souls~

Madly they whirl around each other hand in hand as the world spins around them….a raised glance sends them plunging into the depths of emotion revealed through twin lakes they left carelessly free...

Moonbeams dance between starlight as he spins her into his arms and holds her close to him….his lips part soundlessly whispering thoughts into her ears that his words struggle to capture….

How many such moments dance on our horizons…how long shall each of our souls wait before they alight upon our lives?

Perhaps there will be some who may never feel how it is to drink deeply of such times and laugh intoxicated in the delight that they bring~

But I know I shall….for with eyes ablaze and heart aflame I shall carve these moments into moments into my life in flaming writ white hot against the doors of my soul~

Laugh if you will at me world~ =D

I Will not lose faith~

Reprints~

(8)

I don't often post songs....but this is a lovely one that's been a list favorite for quite a long time~ check out the translation and vid if you have the inclination~ ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lPLH2KmemQ http://www.kiwi-musume.com/lyrics/chaba/parade.html

note song is not targetted at anyone~ i just happen to like it...esp the one parade line...

"And the one-person parade begins to move"

lovely imagery....

Reprints~

~A letter to the future yet unopened~

Some have asked me why i dare bare my "soul" to the world to see on these blog pages....

The answer is quite simple...

I don't...

:)

These words are but a pale shadow for the extremes of passion that i experience in my life....a pale imitation of the pure passion that accompanies my thoughts and play along my life...

Very few have ever glimpsed me entrapped in passion...sometimes glimpses come through...if you have say seen me ablaze with rage...or entrapped in passion as i talk on an area of knowledge that fascinates me...

but even these moments are but shadows of the true moments....

Tonight i feel like writing a letter....a letter to the future so you might say....to help me verbalize what i would one day say to the person who walks gently into my life next...

*soft smile*

Hi,

I've always been a person of passion~ ....I find it hard to do something in moderation....

When I'm in love i'm ablaze with romance, passion and affection~....My soul dances a waltz on moonbeams as my heart whirls in ecstatic bliss....my thoughts surround the object of my affections and cradle it skywards through the clouds to embrace the stars....

When i'm angry i blaze in flames that incinerate my judgment like moths trapped in a blast furnace....my thoughts whirl in an illogical whirlwind of rage....my tormented mind will unleash a hail of words unmeant...

I believe there's nothing truly wrong with me....just as i believe that it would stifle my soul to submerge my nature behind a steel wall of control...

If you wish to love me and know me truly~ understand that nature...know them for the rare furies for they are...and know they will soon be followed by the calm sheepish winds of the south...know that my bitter words are a window to the anguish my soul is reeling in....know that they would not be spoken if i were not so lost in your world~

embrace the flights knowing that my soul is fully immersed in them~

If my nature turns cold and distant~ with no passion glinting between my eyes...know that something is stifling my soul and walling in my heart....help me break free with your bare two hands....and i will forever hold you in mine~

These are the words of my heart....and i truly hope your heart can understand them even if your mind doesn't~

I'm not quite free to love you with all my heart yet....so take your time coming over to read this....i know you've got a lot to do and learn....i'll be doing a lot and learning a lot too....i hope that i recognize you when i see you next....it's gonna be a little hard because i haven't seen you before...but i'll try my best.... :)

~~~

And that lady's and gentlemen~ was a barehearted moment~ i wonder how long i'll leave it up though....*smiles softly*

Posted by jk101 at 10:02 AM 9 comments

Reprints~

Memorabilia~

It's tempting at times....to keep an old keepsake from a relationship~

A tender card...a note of affection...an old bottle of honey water...faded receipts that can barely be read...an old movie ticket..

Whilst cleaning my room today I found a lone member of a candle set...with words from a song i love written in blue ink slightly faded into the wax end hidden under it....to be gently revealed to the world as the gentle flame above it magically transformed opacity to transparency (makes you wish they had one of those for life)....

There are two schools on this i think~

One cherishes all these memories...of love long lost....holding them in fond books...smiling in the soft glow of the expressions of love "evermore" in them....delighting in the magical moments that were once shared between two souls~

I...disagree... ;)

My reasons follow~

Firstly....those memorabilia were given by soul that you wanted to spend your life with....that soul doesn't want to anymore....

Secondly...by keeping them you foster regret...i despise people who talk of regretting leaving another...or pairing with the one they're with now....that person you're with now deserves better....he/she does not deserve a selfish soul pining for the best of everything...dressing up old memories till their flaws are hidden and parading them in their minds to foster discontent with the present...

In a relationship i believe one should invest one's whole self...not parts of it whilst parts are left in the past...unable to move away from a fond memory~

Hence....no regrets...i regret absolutely nothing that has happened in my life...the good...the bad...the ugly...it was ALL beautiful....the heights the lows...they were all spectacular...and i wouldn't change a single moment of it...

Look forward~ Not behind~
Let the movie of life play on...for God's sake don't keep freezing the frame....

So the little candle...whispering

You know we let each other down
But then most of all
I do love you still

Shall be placed with it's companions...with unread words....that will most likely never be read by my eyes....

As it should be~

Posted by jk101 at 10:18 AM 5 comments

Reprints~

directionless directions

Mmmm~ it's been a long week....yet a furfilling one...data's streaming in...most of it looking great...reading's finally back on the agenda...music practice has been ongoing....

Finally got around to getting a song i've loved since the first time i've heard it...a Jap song...with a very fun piano melody~ And lovely words...my favorite lines being...

Every time I sing, I believe in my song.
But I keep getting distracted from it.
I trip over the tempo,
I get tangled up in my improvisations,
and I lose my way back.

.....

Deep in my mind, I was a bit edgy;
I shook away the hand that tapped my shoulder.
But I shouldn't ever lose the heart to sing.

All the while, I am walking towards someone...
Someone who is the pianist off to the edge of the stage.

....

The first remind me of my dream goal...which i know in thoughts but barely in words...a dream so strong and powerful that words seem to be barely able to contain it...so i don't try...save for those rare nights when i can feel it flowing in me so powerfully that i feel my soul would burst with the sheer joy of it....

These lines capture quite well how it feels to get distracted by the dull melody the world seems to keep playing on and on....the melody that it claims to be that of life....yet....at the edge of hearing there's something else i feel....and when i can hear and sing to that....joy that leaves me speechless just floods my heart....

...

The second verses...remind me of love...that unseen pianist playing somewhere in my future....perhaps if i keep following the song of my life i'll find her playing the accompaniment with her heart overflowing with the sheer love of it....*grins*....keep playing...i'll find you~

.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvY6IUCyU-c

(above translations by froth-bite)

http://wiki.froth-bite.com/Lyrics/AllegroCantabile

Posted by jk101 at 8:21 AM 0 comments

Reprints~

Smile inspiring thoughts~

I wonder .... if my future pianist...can really play the piano....

Would be lovely to watch her at the keys at nights golden lights faintly aglow....her fingers caressing the notes...gentle strains of a piece filling the airs and my heart....

mmmmm~ i'd best continue to polish up my piano and guitar...wouldn't want to be left compeltely in the dust.. =D

hahahahah~

Reprints~

mmmm~

I love how some instrumental songs can hold within them such powerful emotions....conveying them wordlessly...which somehow makes them even more beautiful since they can be felt pure...just like how they're felt in real life...

This song is somewhat colored by a moment shared some time ago...but as i ready myself and begin letting go...i hope to one day listen to it without a thought of that moment or soul crossing my mind....it may take awhile...just as it may take awhile for me to reach that nothought day (a term i coined for the day when you wake and return to bed at night to realize that thoughts of that person never entered your mind for a single moment)....

Some people ask me why i take so much time moving on...it's quite simple really...it's no regrets...i don't shove the person away...i don't destroy the thoughts and remnants of emotion...i did it once...many years ago...and it took me a long while to come to full terms with the aftermath in a way that left me whole and able to give all of myself and open up fully to another person...so from that...

I've learned not to rush...not to push to get over someone ASAP simply because it's a painful process that makes part of you want to push off...push away...not remember...not deal with the fact that you've met someone that for a time you really felt close enough too to want to make permanently part of your world...I feel it's important to patiently come to terms with everything...the good and the bad....sorta like reading a book...one that possesses the incredible ability to make you feel waves of intense emotion that can make you feel joy beyond compare or grief almost beyond belief....even though the later pages bear more grief then joy....would you really be able to live life fully knowing that you left the book unread? :)

I know i wouldn't.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kj8ZV9V14dU (ignore the pics... :P )

Reprints~

Dazzling moments~

Hmmmm...this post somehow became a bit of a rant....hahahah so be prepared if you wish to read on~ =D

~~~~~~~

I love the fact that i've never faked a romantic moment in my life~
Never have i uttered words that I've never truely meant~
To damnation with pride and dignity~
I'm secure enough in who am i to do what ever i feel like doing~

If i feel like spinning you around in my arms I will~
If i feel like breaking down you won't see me pretending to be nonchalant~
If i feel like dancing in the rain...get the towels ready~
If i feel like listening or watching anything you would term soppy...what the world has to say means nothing to me~

But don't mistake that for weakness.... ;)
I'm just being authentic...I'm doing and saying exactly what i want to~
Because i firmly believe in being myself....
I know the games i've read the books~
And i know that this isn't the best way to act~
I've read every major courtship and romancing book there is on the shelf~

And you know what?

I don't want that~

I would rather spend a life alone....then hold my soul back~
I would rather raise a glass to the sky every night alone....then play someone else in one of the most thrilling dramas of my life~

Of course i'm not compeltely foolish~
Just like in making friends~
It's absurd to pour out your life problems from day 1....silly to expect the person to understand your quirks immediately....nonsensical to stalk the person or try to be in their lives 24/7...

What i do...and will continue to do...

Is to be myself...
To communicate....
To say exactly what i feel...when the moment is right for it....
To give and ask for space....so that we can grow as people...
To be as patient as i can be....
And to always...forgive...as much as i can...whenever i can gather the strengh to...

Because this isn't a game...this shouldn't be a power war...this shouldn't be an ego fight....

This should be a relationship~

And why so many hold their pride and ego so close to them...afraid to be vulnerable...afraid to go down on one knee....i'll never know~

I feel no shame...at being vulnerable...for i can bear the barbs...
I feel no shame...at being "weak"...for i know how strong i am inside...
I feel no shame...at showing affection....for i have much more to give...
I feel no shame...to forgive....because i know it takes far more strengh to forgive...then it does to deny forgiveness....

No regrets~
I have lived and will continue live~
And one day I know I Will love again with every ounce of my soul~
And once again build bridges from moonbeams~
And dance with the stars at night~

end of rant~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tq8PS352R8&feature=related

This song...really has memories... ;)
as usual...ignore the vid...hahahahha~

Posted by jk101 at 10:37 AM 6 comments

Reprints~

Musings~

A series of musings today~ nothing majorly flighty or dreamy though i'm afraid... ;) ...all related to my spoiler alert section~

First up~....sex

I will state here my frank view (which will undoubtedly offend quite a few of my friends reading this.. ;) )...that i think society and many of the people i know in it have become overly focused on it...and in doing so may have an altered view of relationships that i personally feel saddened by....

Note that this is personal and if this offends you read on to the next couples of posts instead. =D
As usual this is my blog and i'll post what i want to on it~..

Don't get me wrong....Sex is beautiful....

Comments are blocked for this post.. ;)

But there are so many other things in a relationship....that are even more beautiful...

I feel sad...when i see a relationship broken in so many places held together primarily by bedroom pleasures....

I love the words of Davis...who said of his 54 year marriage...

"it's always been an adventure and we haven't come to the end yet. We haven't finished talking, and i swear that conversation is more important to a marriage then sex"

Beautiful....brings a faint tear to my eye each time... :)

Speaking from my experience and personal views...a relationship is far more then physical pleasure....

Sharing worlds...sharing dreams over steamy mugs of coffee in the late night with the world fast asleep....

Just having gazes locked whilst your minds wander into the futures that remains unseen....to dance in raindrops....to banter and tease whilst making dinner together....

To just talk the hours away...mind's alight....intellectual intercourse you could say....delightfully dynamic and just as pleasurable~

I shall not go deep into my personal life experiences...to protect both my world and that of others....but suffice to say that i feel that many have become drunk on the quick and ready pleasures of the flesh...intoxicated on the rush of pleasure that is the orgasm...gorged on physical delights...

As i watch them boast and preach these beliefs perhaps it's time that i spoke of mine...

I acknowledge that physical pleasures are indeed beautiful...

But they pale in light of the enduring pleasures that life and a relationship can bring~

Reprints~

Books books books~

Mmmm~ finally have the time to catch up on a wee bit o reading~

Too sluggish and uninspired to craft anything today...so i shall just list what to me are some of the best books out of the hundreds that i've read so far....

1984

A definite must read...descriptive..moving...almost perfectly crafted plot....just read it already.. ;)

Crime and punishment

Frantically paced..my first dive into the world of Dostoevsky...and what a dive it was...

Cat's Cradle

Soon after meeting Dostoev, I met Mr. Vonnegut....i love this book's treatment of the great science vs ethics debate...

Don Quixote

I love the book....I adore the musical....if you've read my blog it's pretty obvious why i guess...hehehe....here's to all those who charge at windmills....am going to reread this soon....

By the River Piedra i sat down and wept

At my indignant response to the traveler's wife, it should be quite apparent that i'm quite picky with love stories....i like this one though....just dont read the ending... ;)

The picture of Dorian gray

Masterful wit....i adore quite a few of wilde's pieces (despite the occasional reused lines)....so i'll just list the work of his that is my favorite... ;)


hmmm~ as for sci-fi and fantasy not many come to mine immediately...

perhaps the song of ice and fire series~ fantastic interweaving of multiple subplots...i'm just hoping it doesn't turn crappy as it goes on.. =P

I like gemmell ,pratchett and phillip k. dick quite a bit...but i cant say that they're honestly absolute must reads...

oooo my booklist on facebook has 666 books...ominous indeed....

Reprints~

In a bottle?

Mmmm~ In bout 2 hours I begun and finished Spark’s message in a bottle….my personal op on it? I like the beginning…the courtship the romance…and didn’t really fall too much in love with the rest…reasons follow…and a spoiler free post regarding what this reading has inspired me to do lies above… ;)

*Major Spoiler Alert*

I dislike Therese~

Immensely~

Why?

My reasons follow….i’ll just list 10…else I’ll go on forever… ;)

1) Deanna’s words ring very true…she tracked this man down because she fell for his undying love for his wife which had burned ever strong through the years…yet she not only got annoyed at him for not getting swept off his feet by her at the start (boy what an ego) but after bringing the fact up to him….she immedietly walks out (boy what maturity)…

2) She knew telling him about the letters would upset him…so she concealed…in this case it’s not so bad…I’ve had the wonderful experience of having even more wonderful things concealed from me in the past…(for the good of the relationship of course…hahahah~ excuse me while I retch ;) )…and I’ve developed a healthy distaste of the selfish selffocused nature of such concealement…concealment out of fear…out of a wish to keep things going well even when there’s a shipload of shit under the silk bedsheets~

3) After he found the letters…obviously distraught from having his private notes in someone’s else’s possessions….knowing that that thousands if not millions of people had read them…dear therese is defensive…snaps at him to shut up….and never once…(even later) says she’s sorry for not letting him know sooner…(I sure would love to see her if he had done the same to her… ;) )

4) I could soooo smack her over the thanksgiving thing…knowing that someone you love has gone to all the trouble…and is so looking forward to that shared intimate dinner….career (and possibly money) comes first…I’ve seen this before in my own life and it’s grown to digust me…people who choose to put such matters first deserve to be rich and successful and bitterly alone...if the world were a just place they would be…and I’ll toast to the hope that it is…

5) After the wonderful deprioritization…she takes him out on the kind of evening “she” would like him to have…to show him new things because “she” wants to…to bribe him off you could say…and what happens on this incredible evening? Dear Therase is so swept away by what her deprioritizing has brought her (Fame! Fortune! Success!) that she spends the entire evening chatting about it with her boss…leaving her dear lover feeling left out…and uncomfortable… “it was obvious that he felt uncomfortable-though she wasn’t sure why-and she found herself puzzling over it”….geeezzz get a clue…talk about rubbing salt into old wounds…on your patch up those wounds evening you go on about the benifits inflicting those wounds has brought to you…

6) Throughout their time together…she refuses to face the issue of who moves where...to even broach the topic…one wonders why…to quite an obvious conclusion…either she askes him to move (and looks bad)…or she moves (which she doesn’t want to)…so why not wait it out?...if he moves…hoorah!...if he askes her to move she can snap and harauge him for being selfish (which she does)…personally I feel they should have talked it over before asking anyone to do anything…

7) before she walks out…she has this bizzare idea that having sex with him one last time would be great…one wonders…wtf?...what’s this for? She obviously gave him hope through this…as is obvious from his confusion and subsequent run through the rain…in my view it was a stupid senseless thing to do~

8) And after breaking it off…she plays the ever suffering matyr to herself…”dreamed of turning back the clock”…”if only”…while on the other end…the lad is sailing off into a storm obviously distraught and extremely emotional (a little silly of him….but I’ve done similar things so I can’t really blame him I guess)….and dies…great….

9) She obviously loved him…”she loved him, she would always love him..she’d know it from the moment she saw him on the docks and she knew it now”….and yet why didn’t she want to try to work things out? “I can’t compete with her”…sums it up really... she’s afraid of not getting hurt…afraid of not being first place…afraid of getting into a relationship with him and not having it be “real” you could say…(my personal intepretation…disagree if you like)….to me all selfish reasons…the words “because you won’t let it” ring hollow…the first time she’s brought the issue up and she’s already dismissed his ability to move on (a capacity he seems to possess given the letter he wrote later on which proves her wrong it seems..

10) Instead of talking about it…she drives off…no giving things a chance to be talked over…leaving everyone with everlasting regret…supremely childish and immature… face up…speak up…if it doesn’t work at least you gave it your best shot…and if it did…hoorah!

Personally…I liked the ending lots…what assests does she possess? She’s gorgeous *wow* (mentioned multiple times)….but she conceals…she deprioritizes…she’s insensitive…she judges like a mad woman (did I mention that she gets pissed at people who don’t want to get into a relationship with her because of her son? Damn it it’s their damned choice isn’t it? *note I have nothing against getting into a relationship with a person someday if they already have a kid…but that’s my choice and someone who doesn’t want to is perfectly fine in my view…I would never get angry at someone if they didn’t want to date me because I had a kid)…

Reprints~

Tonight~

*Random streams that somehow make sense...at least to me...think of them as the a word picture of that moment where gazes dance and the mind struggles to think of what to say*


Sing to me tonight...
Softly...gently...lovingly...

Dance with me tonight
Romantically...tenderly...lovingly...
Watch the empty courtyards light ablaze with a legion of candles as your dress streams in the wind...

Laugh with me tonight
Joyfully...blissfully...endlessly...

Watch the stars shower down...
Watch my eyes burn with you within them....
Hold my hand and heart....
Love me....

Be with me tonight
For today...for tomorrow...for forever...

How would i capture my feelings in words...
Flaming roses dance in a whirlwind...
Silver tears flow into a maelstrom...
A candle falls endlessly into the abyss....
A bell rings in the halls of eternity...

How could my words capture my heart?
How could mere language capture the soarings of my soul?
Perhaps you would understand if you gazed into my eyes long enough to embrace the depths of my soul....
Allow me to gaze into yours in turn....as the torrents of my heart stream into their endless pools...

Love me...for i truely love you~

~ note you may hate blunt for all i know...but this piece was somehow inspired by Same Mistake...hahahah~

Reprints~

Musings before bed~

I wonder at times why despite knowing firmly who i am deep inside...and having the glimpses of it that have somehow streamed outwards into the world be complimented and praised....

I am still unable to free that side of myself from the chains that hold it...

Still it remains a side that dances in the moonlight when the world is asleep...
A side that peeks out when no one is around, to wink at me and lure me into the fields to watch the harvest moon dances....

A side that i show to the world through my writings...but almost never show to the world to it's face....

I have clues as to why this side remains so elusive when others dance around...as other sides of myself...less tender...far less romantic....definitely far less pleasant and warm....come to the fore....

When i have more time perhaps i will strive to capture these clues in a concrete tapestry of words so that i can understand and perhaps one day conquer myself...

Till then....if you wish to know me truely...dance with my words..

Reprints~

Random~

Believe me when i say that none of us were born demons....
Believe me when i say that there is hope of us all....

Never say to yourself....this is what i am and what i will be...
Embrace choice~ Freedom~ happiness...

Latch on to things that fill your heart with joy and wring tears of happiness from your heart....
Feel for the updraft of bliss and soar on it to wherever it may lead~

Don't ever....give up...

Reprints~

:)

I have become convinced that physical beauty inspires a depth of relationship arrogance that is exceptionally ugly....

When a person...be it male or female...knows that he or she is physically desirable...that he or she is wanted...he or she often succumbs to an arrogant carefree careless attitude towards the relationships they are in...summed in the words...

This must be perfect and fun. If you don't want me someone else does. Know that if I don't get what i want from you, i can find someone who will give it to me

Which in turn leads to the demise of the notion of sacrifice (why should "I" give up anything?")....the death of the notion of guarding the other's heart from pain (why should "I" stop doing things "I" want to? If it hurts you toughen up. Remember, i can walk out and find someone anytime)....

Knowledge brings awareness...and i will thus forever remember to continue to treat my partner as though she were the only one i would ever wish to love~

Reprints~

Friday, April 11, 2008

Another love story~

Mmmm~ i shouldn't really be doing this with my finals coming up...reading like a madman that is~

In the past 10 days i've been averaging more then a book a day....which is becoming quite addictive....hahahah~

woke up this morn and finished off the zahir...which to be honest wasn't quite my ideal cup of tea...don't get me wrong...i loved some of the ideas...jotted down quite a few of the lines....but the overall tone of the main romance and how it turned out didn't jell to well with me i guess....

I suppose i'm old fashioned....but i still believe that a relationship should be between two people... :)

That the temptation to indulge in the pleasures and love of a third party is a temptation that should be resisted and defeated...

Dress it up however you want....spin words on love being free and open to all...paint a world where everyone should love everybody...where sex and romance become concepts free from all boundaries....

Perhaps...if you have the time....take your eyes off the massive tapestry of free world love...and see this little painting of mine....

It's not incredibly ornate...quite simple really....

There's a little cottage....with a fireplace....flames crackling in the dead of the night...
Two souls sitting around by a sofa with hot mugs in hand....

I don't paint free love....open marriages.....i'm afraid my hand lacks the skill to paint such concepts in....unlike the hands of others who drape the world in the colors of world love...

I wonder though...why those paintings lack the images that i love to paint into mine....images of sacrifice...loyalty....steadfast support....self conservation....patience....

*smiles softly*...i guess cause those images are dull aren't they?....old and faded...get with the times eh?

I find it funny though that the words on the last page (the zahir) echo emptiness

*Spoiler alert*

“I’m pregnant.”

For a second, it was as if the world had fallen in on me.

“By Dos?”

“No. It was someone who stayed for a while and then left again.”

I laughed, even though my heart was breaking.

Sums it all really.... :)

Reprints~

Directed messages~

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures,
.....
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago

mmmmm~....I guess sometimes life seems so vibrant so alluring...

...that browsing through a dusty tome...wiping it's pages clean...clearing up a special place on the shelf for it to rest till our eyes grow to weary to stay open and our bodies...but not souls...turn to dust...

Is just too dull to do...too unexciting...a job that pales in light of the highs of yagerbombs...beer jugs...physical closeness....far too boring in light of....the thrill of the game of attraction....the rush of new easily obtained hedonistic pleasures....

"Why suffer loneliness for the sake of love when I can freely drink in the pleasures the world is offering me? (who cares about you)"

"Why can't i have it all? I want it all. I want to have fun. (who cares about you)"

Borderline nauseating words...I can't decide if it's a shame or if it's lucky for me...that the illusion of your love has shattered in the first test of the furnace of hedonistic pleasure....

Because I probably would have ended up giving you wedding rings...hahahaha~

Now I'd rather be roasted alive in brown gravy aside little potatoes~ =D

At least....another lesson has been learnt and my heart's still intact....

Posted by jk101 at 3:57 AM 3 comments

Reprints~

Divorce and wedding rings~

I think the adoption ( or should i say embracing) of the idea of divorce cheapens the idea of a wedding band....

I propose that they now be made of tin with cheap rhinestones~

hahahaha~

As i grow older...i think I'm beginning to find myself against the idea of divorce...apart from divorce with cause (e.g. infidelity)....an interesting transition i guess...

I think the increase in selfcenteredness has caused many to lose sight and grasp of matters of enduring beauty...and that...is truely regrettable...

Posted by jk101 at 3:17 AM 4 comments

Reprints~

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Midnight musings~

Mmmm~ an eventful day indeed....

Alone I sat in the hallways of my mind....the whirlwind of books flying off the shelves an endless raging force....

Whole chapters and single pages of my life story spinning in a mad dance before my shielded eyes....too fast to be read...but just slow enough to be felt in powerful echoes in my heart....

I love life...

I think I'm exceptionally lucky....that my life has been so eventful...with so much drama at every turn....

What better way for me the plumb my depths? Feel emotions so powerful and raw...

I must admit that it is only in such moments do i truely feel alive...thank God that i only need the occasional one to stay functional....

Ooooo~ but I do love them....

Sing to me to night of innocence~
Not the white sheet of sainthood so easily soiled with the softest glance with evil~
Rather the gray sheet of somber purity....
A mind that has seen the depravity that is this place we call home...
A soul that has witnessed and been tempted by pleasures so alluring and delightful....
And has still held on in hopes of a higher plane of existence..
That dreams of a life that it cannot quite verbalize....but feels so strongly within it..
I pray that you do not lose hope...and that your candles will burn bright and strong in the dark of the night till they are joined by another flame till the end of days~

Reprints~

Dance with me?

I wonder if I'll see through my idea of joining a dance class at the end of these hols....

I suspect that i might not...

Simply because...I have always dreamed of learning to dance with someone I feel strongly for...

Not for me the world of competitive dancing...with the pressure for perfection constantly present....I have farrrr to much of that from myself in my own life and world...

Give me instead...an empty floor in the night lighted from the sides in rays of gold....

Give me instead...the heated locking of gazes across the room....

Give me instead....the press of forms in a seductive game of red hot passion....with lust smoldering...till in the airs edges of smoke seem to rise....

Give me instead.....the graceful flow of the waltz....romance in motion....

It's not just a sport to me...it's not just something fun to do....it's a form of expression so powerful that I feel I can only partake when my emotions match it in full.....

Might be a shame though...I'm naturally graceful...and years of martial arts has developed an almost preternatural sense of body awareness and physical speed.....

*shrug*....no matter...i'm patient...and i can wait for a long while till that pianist decides to step into my world for our first dance....

*Toast*

Reprints~

Night musings~

Mmmmm~ it's lovely to sit here in my little corner...sipping hot honey vanilla chamomile (my herbal infusion of choice~)...whilst the emotional whirlwind of Liszt storms around a room bathed in gentle light~

Life is wonderful....

I've managed to stem the influx of caffeine again...for the first time in months....so once again my ears can begin to hear the harp strings of the muses...soon I will be able to lay my eyes on them in flesh....and rise once again into a world i love so dear....

On whim i was researching the entomology of some words....and I have begun to fall in love with the discipline...

I realized that I was infatuated...when I read on the roots of the simple word "ardent"....

From Latin~ Ardens.....to burn....

utterly beautiful....

or take "passion"

From Latin~Pati....to suffer....

Words seem like trees...with branches of meaning growing as it's inherent structure interacts with it's present setting....with roots...that sink deep into the earth...old...and filled with power...

Reprints~

Tonight~

Mmmm~ this night is quite a lovely one...

A nice hot drink....a room lit up quite beautifully....all taken in by a calm and steady mind....

I wonder what dances on the horizons of my future....

I've grown and learnt a lot over the past few years....

I've met and battled with many demons....in a hundred shapes and forms...

And still I am Me....

It's quite amazing really...in a world that can ofttimes be incredibly harsh....in the light of the illusion shattering revelations that I've been a forced witness to....

I'm still here....still dreaming....still embracing the little flame in my heart...beckoning it to draw close for a warm embrace...Me and my soul....

When i was younger...i feared that i could not hold on to such....i feared that the world was too harsh...people too cruel....for such to last for long...

And in many ways I was right...the world is harsh...people are cruel....

I don't know the "how"....I don't know the "why".....All I know is that my inner self...knows itself as well as it ever did....dreams even stronger then it ever has...and radiates bliss more encompassing then ever....

I long to find you....my companion....with a soul warm enough to not turn cold when the wind blows harsh....with a mind sharp enough to fence with mine....to make my laughter roll from me in endless blissfully waves with your teases....and i also hope....a body fit enough to run beside me as we run free chasing after stormclouds our souls bursting with joy that they can but begin to contain...

I ask much I suppose....I can but offer...

Loyalty for all time...
Endless days of scintillating conversation...
Endless nights of ever-new passion....
Companionship...and an ever listening ear....
Priority....for you I will truely hold dear....
And for you...I will craft...
Stories...Poetry...Ballads.....to soar with me forever more love...just drink gently from the stream of my words....

Reprints~

Monday, May 26, 2008

Moments~

Just a random post....based on past experience...but completely undirected (no specific person in mind)....suppose it could be seen as directed at the future.... ;)

I love watching you....when you're watching me...but don't want me to know...

I love talking with you....when the whisper from our hearts that we're in love hasn't reached our minds quite yet....as our eyes whisper gently to each other wondrous things...

I love seeing your face when you're jealous but won't admit it....I love that look in your eyes in those moments....how you want to hold me...yet sulk at the same time...

I love how infuriated you get....when i tease you with a sly grin on my face...as you batter me with your fists....each blow whispering affection....

I love how you slip so easily into my arms...when it feels as though they were made to hold you close....and to hold on to you...forever....

I love it when you sulk....gloomily in the corner as your eyes dart towards me every now and then saying...what are you waiting for...hold me already... ;)

I love lifting you in my arms into the airs....my heart bursting with joy as i spin you around....

I love going to sleep with you on my mind...knowing that this is but the beginning...and we have a lifetime to explore...together....

Posted by jk101 at 9:42 AM 7 comments

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Friday, June 6, 2008

~

A random post.... ;)

~

It seems that for some unfathomable reason, the hand of fate has once against touched my heart unannounced....I don't even know you...this is hardly the first time I've seen you...By all rights the winds of fortune should not be blowing this way...

Yet...you are my muse...

Somehow...your existence has become the fount of inspiration of my soul...

I would never wish for us to speak...a word cast may break this spell...may return my soul to a more mundane world....

Thus adrift from you I sing inspired by you...I know not how long this spell will last...I know not who you are...or what your life is like...I know not even who your heart belongs to....yet it matters not...

Your eyes have set ablaze the long resting furnaces of my mind...
My heart quickens when my gaze touches yours....when I hear your voice...my world drifts....

Perhaps I am but a madman....Perhaps for some reason my mind has become unhinged...my soul...lost...

We have yet to speak...
Yet...unknown to you...
You have set my world ablaze....

~

P.S. don't read too much into this guys... ;)

Posted by jk101 at 8:29 AM 2 comments

Reprints~

mmmm~

Mmmm....there's nothing quite like unwinding after a good day....

Over the years i've learnt a lot about what makes a good day to me...

I've learnt that time is precious...and that a lot of things a lot of people do wastes far too much of it....
I don't watch tv....i don't play any serious computer games (save for the occasional puzzle sort between other activities)...I only go out when I know the time will be worth it....I rarely do anything that doesn't benefit myself or my future significantly...

When many people look at me...they ask..."Don't you do things for fun?"...or..."Haven't you heard of the phrase "for fun" "...

My response?

I have more fun in my life....then anyone i have ever met... :)

How can i capture the joys that fill my life....i could write an essay...but joys don't come in essays...so i'll write them as i feel them...in fragments... :)

How it feels...after running for miles....seeing the mark you've set for your run this day...glancing at your watch...realizing that only a sprint will get you there in the time you desire....putting on more weight then you've ever tried to lift before...reaching inside a body that feels as though it has nothing left to give...finding a reservoir of strength you never knew you had...strength that was built slowly over months of hard training....the exhilaration as you make it past...

How it feels...to sit alone....to pick up material meant for graduate work....to reach for coursework from areas completely different from your own....to read it....to feel the walls that have to be climbed over....to master a complex concept barely within your capacity...to feel your mind expand and with it your perception of reality....utter bliss...

How it feels...to pick up a piece of literature...dissecting it with skills built over a lifetime of reading...feeling new ideas sinking in...feeling one's world view becoming more complex...understanding things that were always on one's experiential horizon....seeing the world through someone's else's eyes...it's almost miraculous...

Learning about one's world....studying it's physics...it's geology...it's history...it's chemistry...it's art....feeling knowledge seeping into your mind....seeing more of reality with every piece of information.....wondrous indeed....

And most glorious of all...to enter into that moment of flow...not needing to sleep...or eat...having one's mind set ablaze by an idea...by a new perspective on a problem that has been insurmountable for months....to feel that unseen switch in your mind turn on....allowing you for a time to understand and remember everything you bend your will to...I live for these moments....

Of course I take time off to....watch a few downloaded shows or documentaries on my p.c....play a few mindless games...read the occasional light book...but i spend very little time doing such things...

(note documentaries are for FUN, real learning takes reading. Documentaries almost always present incredibly simplified pictures, slanted perspectives, sensationalized findings and outdated research. Quite of them address issues that are not really important, or spend too much time explaining too little too briefly. I watch them as i would a t.v sitcom most of the time. Note there are several notable exceptions which do address a topic with remarkable throughness. These are however few and far between).

I am never bored...unless you force me to attend something useless...because my life and the things i do are just too much fun! =D

Posted by jk101 at 10:05 AM 0 comments

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Sunday, June 15, 2008

musings~

Relationships are lovely.....when you managed to realize the almost magical potential in them....when the two are drawn to each other so powerfully...and are willing to bare their souls.....that awe inspiring sense of being completely connected with someone...mentally...emotionally...(and yesssss...to the more carnal minded friends physically...hahahah)....

To me a true relationship....involves this union....this connection.....it saddens me to hear my friends refer to their "loved" ones in impersonal tones....to hear them speak almost formally...

To me...it is when the two can communicate almost as though they were of one mind....to not be afraid...to be willing to be open...come what may.....(of course this takes time...but the promise of this state in the early stages are more then sufficient to keep the flames burning...at least to me)....

"I will tell you whatever comes into my mind....so tell me whatever comes into yours....let's go through life together....sharing every moment....let us not be selfish and think solely of maximizing our benefit....for how can we reach the stars under this boat's sail...if we both keep trying to steer it to our own star?"

It's a connection that only grows ever more beautiful with age...for I fell in love with the person's mind....which nurtured well...can reach fantastic heights....

Why am i posting this....as a prelude to my post before...to show that it is not out of a dislike for relationships that makes me say what i did~ ;)

Posted by jk101 at 11:48 PM 0 comments

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Sunday, June 22, 2008

~

On some moments sanity seems in short supply....

I don't fully understand it quite yet....If i did i would seek to cage it...to understand it and command it at my whim...

Moments where unbidden my mind stumbles on that old feeling....that feeling that hovers sometimes on the edge of memory.....

when a melody plays...
when a scent hovers on the air....
when the light falls on the scene in just "that way".....

when I know why I live...so powerfully....yet can't seem to verbalize it...
Moments when i want to scream to the night....I'm Alive~
Life is meant to be lived...

I will never shelter my heart from the pains that passion opens one up to....
I will never live a life in half measure...

Tonight~

I wonder where you lie as I sit here to toast the night skies,
Perhaps tonight the Gods will deem it fit to cast the world in shadow....
And leave just me and you...alone~
Perhaps in an old hall cast in shadow...dust whirling around the scene...
Perhaps in a street with just the streetlamps above out head giving light....
Perhaps on a beach....with the waves crashing on the shores...the moon filling the world with silver light....

Perhaps tonight...time will be frozen...
To give us an eternity together to share our worlds...
If you would but stay by my side...and let my words flow towards you....
You would see my soul as it were...unadorned and undisguised....

I want no more then to sit by your side on a park bench....fireflies dancing around streetlamps draped in lights...
I want no more...then to hear your story of the world...and it's wonders...
I want no more then to share with you the world i see....the wonders i have learnt....the dreams i hold inside me....

For the first time in many a year....I toast the sky....and whisper your name unknown....

Reprints~

mmmm~

mmmm~ it's been a long day...

Classes...

Finished reading a few books....

5k run....

GRE prep....

Research....

And now the evening draws to a close....predetermined that i would rest at 1:30 today...so i shall stick to that...and extend it no longer....

A bit too tired to dream too much....i can feel the restless stirring of the dreamer side of me...who had to make way all day for my scientist side to have it's fun....

mmmmm~ for just a while longer then....after the research meeting on wednesday....i shall let the dreamer compeltely free for at least a full two days....and what fun those two days will be....

For tonight....content thyself my dreamer...with toasting to the dark skies....a soft smile dancing on thine lips....

Reprints~

Mmmmm~ in a dreamy mood tonight....

Randomly I decided to visit some old songs from the years of my life....

The organizing theme shall be a romance~

Hahahah~....it makes sense when read...

Note...lotsa pop...corny songs..silly songs...etc...on the list... ;)

1) Can't get you of of my thoughts
This one's an old one (in my life not real time)...
I love this song....it's been a constant on my playlists since it came out......

When is it played most often

....easy....at the very beginning of everything....
When I first begin to feel the touch of madness....when i can't stop smiling everytime she crosses my minds....when i feel like dancing and laughing.....
When i know i'm falling for someone...and wouldn't want to be doing anything else in the world....when the world is full of color...and i feel that i've never been alive till this moment....*grins*

fav line -

"I can't get you out of my thoughts...Or out of my heart and I know I'm in love with you"

2) Iris
A nobrainer....No romance for me has truely begun till iris has been blared from the system at least a dozen times....

When is it played most often
Also at the beginning....but at the more melancholic moments....when i'm indulging myself in the aching feeling when one is thinking of that one person who's somehow managed to take hold of your world....those moments when that one person somehow becomes related to everything in life...and you know it...because everything in life reminds you of her....*smiles softly*..

fav line -
I just want you to know who I am (what else?hahahah~)

I knew I loved you
Savage G....this one's an unusual little addition...it was actually the first love song that i really connected to...I remember the moment like it was yesterday....It was at an ice cream parlour called Buds....in Bangsar (doesn't exist anymore....)....I had ran there through a storm....the main way I had to communicate with the girl I had fallen for then was through the net...and I didn't had a net connection...(in hindsight...her house was a few blocks away...if i were the person i am now I would defintely have dropped by...or asked her out instead...but it was my first serious falling...*grins*....I was head over heels....completely lost....ahhh but i digress)....as i was saying....i didn't have a net connection back home....so everytime i wanted to contact her...I walked or ran about....3k to the cafe almost everyday (becoming quite fit in the process...hahah)....to "see" her....I don't think I ever told her about it really...till this day i don't think she knows.....

In any case...I had just ran through a god awful storm (it came out in the papers the day after for the devestation it wrecked in bangsar ...falling poles and trees etc...) strangely i don't remember all that too much....I just remember how amazing it felt to run through the mad wind and rain blasting against me...grinning and laughing away....such is the wonder of love i guess...hahahah~....

So I finally got to the cafe...it was frezzzeeing cold....was drying out for a bit...when this song came on the radio....and in that one moment...for the first time i linked to a song....and it was a moment i will forever remember.....

For some reason...i've never been able to connect to the song again...perhaps because i've walled off a part of myself after some events that happened later on....at times i can still sense that walled part of me still there on the horizons of my world....when this song plays especially...I go back somewhat....to a young boy....coming to class early...his heart jumping to see someone there.....to a moment that i've never experienced ever since...a literal electric zap...at a completely random moment when two gazes met through an open doorway....to a balcony in a mall in the early morn....hahaha~...it's lovely to have such an innocent romance as my first....it set the tone for my life thereafter...for through it...I learnt to see the beauty....that is in such....and i think i'll never forget.....

mmmm~ there are more songs....but now i feel like unwinding...perhaps i shall return to this topic someday....

For now...
*toasts*

Reprints~

Reprints~

The evening grows late...

Tonight I find myself sitting here...alone in the night...with a soft smile on my face....

It may be a remnant of my egoist early days....but when I look back on my life...and even on it's present moments....

I find it hard to believe....that it's all been by chance...

Too many moments seem so improbable...both then and now....to have been from the roll of the dice....

I've called her by many names...lady luck...ms destiny....dj fate...

I've lost count...of the number of times...i've rested my head in my hands...a broad smile on my face...unable to believe the miracle sheer coincidence tossed into my world....

And I honestly wouldn't have it any other way....

I allow my artistic side a measure of superstition... I'll toast to her...talk to her at times... given her a smile or two....

Although at times her games seem wicked and torturous...they've always ended with the chips at my hand....my breath half caught in my throat...her eyes glinting wickedly...as she vanishes from the table....never saying or even hinting when she'll return for another game....always returning when she's least expected...a breath at my ear whispering...

...deal the cards to play with the woman over there....

And at that moment...time stands still as my gaze catches the gaze of that soul...as i feel myself sink deep into her eyes....as the world becomes a place where just the two of us exist....as a familiar feeling rushes in from deep inside my heart....as at that moment...life blazes through me...as part of me...wants to just walk up to her...sit beside her...smile at her softly....gaze into her eyes deeply...learn her world...teach her mine....spend the rest of the evening chatting over hot cocoa of our dreams....if not the rest of our days....

And i always...play...somehow there's a sense that if i don't....she won't come back for another game....

So even this time...I'm playing my game...

It doesn't matter....that I keep the game secret from the other side....

That she knows naught that i'm playing my cards out on the table....

It's nice just to play the game...toss out my hands....not caring if it's a win or a loss...

Just seeing this game through....

As i often say...to those who have played in the games with me in the past..

"it's in the script...it's right....trust me"

And when the game ends....I'll pack the cards...toast to health of the one i've fallen for...pack the cards up...and walk out of the bar with a smile on my face...

I wonder if she'll turn at that moment...and wonder at my fading back....if something had been going on....and what it was...and what it could have been....

I'll still have my cards....and by my side...though i may not see her...I know my lady walks...a soft smile on her face...shaking her head wistfully at me not having played out in the open...with the high stake bets that have become my trademark...smiling at my decision to sit quietly in the corner...gazing at the one who's touched my heart quietly...never saying a word as i dealt her hands out for her....

She'll walk beside me still....in that i do not lose hope...we've been together for too many years to part ways now....and as i walk alone in the cold evening...the moons and stars my companions...a few snowflakes drifting earthwards gently....I'll smile....and think fondly of the games we've had in the past....

And of the ones we'll have....

For now...i deal out another hand for the two of us...despite knowing my cards...i still pick up mine from the table...

Ace of hearts high....i wonder what the hand of the woman in the corner is briefly....as she laughs with her friends oblivious to the game at my table...but I tuck it back in the deck without looking....as i toast her with a smile on my face...

The game's going wonderfully....

I'm a gambler....it's in my blood....what else would you expect me to do? ;)

Reprints~

Now that the sems over....a relatively permanent distance has fallen...temptation resisted.....

I can soar....
Completely free i can allow all the pent up emotion free....dream....roar...write...sing....
Revel in every sensation and emotion that I desire to completely without risk....
Admittedly, it's a little melodramatic....Not a word was exchanged....for all i know she could have been the latest demoness hell saw fit to bestow on my life as another amusing endurance building test.....sides it wouldn't have mattered....there wouldn't have been the time anyway....

For the first time...by choice...I chose not to know....with no regrets of course...
Fortunately the knowledge that a union existed came long before the falling was far to deep to claw my way out....so this time I managed to restrain from getting involved....I guess I've learnt that even when you "win" in such cases....the prize is probably simply not worth keeping.....*shrugs*,,,,,least i've got a huge list of appropriate songs from the last time....hahahah~

This time i merely hovered near the edge....easily able to draw back at any time...but relishing the thrill of gazing into the abyss to much to do so just yet....

It's sad that i find so few people interesting....I can count on a hand...the number of minds which have hinted at depths that could prove to be of interest to explore....most mind paths are typical....predictable....leading to rather mundane places....

When my senses sense a mind whose path leads to a place unknown....a soul who's riding a world wave that I have yet to feel....a voice singing a song in a language that mystifies my heart....

I must say...hope rises in my heart as my lips mouth the words....are you the one...who will take my hand to ride the dreams.....

Thus far....It's been a wave of disappointment....
Souls who try so hard to be deep and mystical....that they end up in the well of pretentiousness and fraud instead.....
Souls who try to so hard paint the statues of their thoughts in vivid hues....that the craftmanship of their statues...pains the heart....

Is the being i dream about possible?....A mind keen enough to see the cogs of the world...a soul deep enough to be anchored while soaring along dream paths that few if any see.....a heart warm enough to rest in....

Perhaps it is as I suspected....perhaps the cost of such gifts...is to be truely alone....

I long to explore your mind

Reprints~

Mmmmm~ an amazing day....

Did everything i had planned....lots of reading...Kafka...Shakespeare...Pinker....GRE prep...free study...uni research....the works really....

And now...(admittedly a little off schedule...but that's of no major consequence)....what i shall term sanity time....a time to let loose my emotional sides...a time to let the dreamer reign free and untamed....

For months I've tolerated the tension that builds when it isn't allowed to be loose....tolerate no longer say I....

I guess we all need an outlet....

Some sing...some dance...some drink...each to his own...

I dream....always have...and always will....

And deep within me...despite my occasional roars at not being able to find a fit....and the occasional fits of despair at being a square peg in a round world, watching so many around me choosing to walk on paths that forever bar them from returning to the glen i've chose to dwell in....

despite it all...

I still believe....that I will find one to dream beside me....

That i will find someone....to lie beside me in the night....her eyes shining in the golden roomlights.....as the world slips away....leaving just a dream for the two of us to live in....

That i will find someone....who can see the dreams i see and more~....to whom i can truely share my worldview with....not as a guide....but as a soulmate....

For now i shall content myself...with preparing myself....with learning all that i can learn...mastering all that i can master....dreaming as hard as i can to build the ramparts to battle the cynicism of the world....

And i do it...for you...

Reprints~

mmmm~ a lovely night....

Took a break from the planned workload today...hehe...if there's one thing my college years have taught me...it's that if I feel like taking a break....i should....did do just a wee bit of GRE and stats training tgh...

mmmm~....been steadily pushing my sleeping period to a more "normal" time...so according to the sched, i should be getting to bed around 2-2:30 today... =( ....

Ah well...there's still quite a bit of time till then...for now, i'm sitting right here...ice cold beer in hand (just one though... ;) ...)...listening to some lovely tunes (love songs mostly....)....

It's been an amazing year....and life....

couldn't imagine it having gone any better....

And i'm incredibly determined to make sure that my early working experiences echo my emotions....

Twas nice to end the final semester with a brief falling....the first falling that i set by and truely allowed to fade, resisting all temptation....

While I have to admit that the whole affair is probably not 100% out of the woods yet...anyone knowing me would know that i never actually forget someone that i draw into my world (save for when it's shown that they never were who they claimed to be)....so part of me knows that if somehow the cards just happened to fall just the right way (or to extend a past post...if my partner just so happened to walk over to my table...sit down beside me and whisper softly...."deal me a hand?"...)...there's no way in hell this is over...

But.....I've managed to resist all temptations to stir the pot....to resist the overpowering urge in me to break silence and reach out....so the whole affair has slipped into the "extremely improbable zone"....add in the fact that our courses and now worlds differ....the fact that in a few months our paths will diverge strongly as even the continents we inhabit differ...and i guess it's safe to say that the odds of this romances flames blazing skyward are ludicrously low....

So I'll toast the only falling that I never acted on away tonight....

I must admit that it strikes a powerful romantic chord in me to have played the whole thing out in secret...*grins*....

And now once again...i am free to roam...to hunt...to search....

To soar high in the night sky once again...black wings catching the night airs as the world sleeps.....seeking out that other black winged angel soaring in the night sky....

And lady luck....just one request if you don't mind....

For Gods sake! Let her be alone this time!!

hahahahah~

ahhh....i'm out of beer....to bed then... :)

One very interesting thing that i realized about myself this time though....

For the first time i realized...that i have it in me...to follow someone to wherever that person went to....if they meant enough to me....

I look forward to being in a healthy normal relationship in the future....i've had it with issue ridden souls....hahahah~

Reprints~

There are moments where time seems to almost stand still…

In these times it seems as though my past is made fully known, all those dimly lit corners coming into the light….the present stands frozen…the possibilities of the future seem to stretch onwards, shading the horizon with

rainbows of possibilities…

And in these moments…a choice lies to be made…a host of possible paths open up…each promising a different ending to a tale that has yet to be written…

A smile…a grin…a wink…a word…a sentence…a story….

Yet at times these paths seem as though they were born to never be trod…even in the mist of possibilities the concrete walls of reality loom all too darkly….

The real world implications of walking upon the paths seem all too real when held against the intangible dreams that they hint at leading towards…

What is to be done in such moments?

Yet has it not always been this way? Is not the brightest candle held only in dreams? Perhaps the tapestry of tomorrow seems all the more glorious because it never had to bear the burden of the sun nor taste the lash of the wind?

Perhaps it is because such paths lie always in our dreams; they seem all the fairer…distanced as they are from the troublesome quibbles of reality…

Ask me again in a dozen or so years on this….and watch my eyes glaze over in remembrance of paths unwalked…and dreams unseen…

~

Remember....you're not a genius till your thoughts soar with stars....

day 1

Seem to be having spells of moroseness for the past couple of months.....the reasons are deep....

lonliness....a longing to rest in someone's dancing eyes....a longing to speak my mind and be understood....to be met and matched....a longing to be loved...by someone I desire to be loved by......

fear....of my vision.....of not reaching my potential because my eyes were not up to the task ahead.....i must accept my handicap....cease moaning and groaning and move on....

weariness....of watching the ackward dances of those around me....so keen on impressing...so keen on not appearing daft and slow....i long...to see the graceful dance of a swan.......

weariness....of my own stupid wastage of time.....at my own fears that hold me back....keep me from reaching for fear of not being up to the task mentally myself.....

give me time...and i will fly.....

today was a day decently spent....finished a book....midway through another...started into the one i just bought (ancestor's tale).....gamed a little too much for my good...procrastinated too much (hence an hour delay in sleeping).....thought and reflected too litte....

I must disipline my mind and make it come to terms with it's new constraints and discomforts.....this is how it will be....and no one will shed tears for the death of my mind and potential should it come to past.....i do not desire to be a man looking back on his life and marvelling in what could have been of his immense potential....i wish to reach a star and seize it's glamour in my hand....i wish to be great....in my own eyes if not the world's.....

~

Dreams....are flying home...

~

Still....I still dream....

And i'm changing....deeply....

I'm not the same as I was a year ago....as always of course.....at this rate who knows how i'll be years from now?....

I have more hope....then you could ever imagine...

A happily ever after awaits.....come hell or high water~ ;)

~

Week's almost over.....life plans have been working out fairly well.....

Save one....

I have yet to focus my attention inwards....seeking sensations long lost....searching for...a soul i guess you could term it....

I have much in my hands and mind....but this i lack....and it's absence leaves a sense of depth lacked...insight passed over....deepness unmet....

Soon...

~

Mmmm~ it would be lovely to have that elusive feeling strike....when you turn to meet the gaze of a stranger....to feel your blood rush....and to feel that somehow you've known this person all your life....yet...would love to join her for a cup of coffee in a quiet cafe by night.....

~

Just a day before all the plans to get back on track kick in.....

It's been an exceptionally interesting couple o years....tons of experiences and lessons....so much learnt that could never have been taught by anything else save letting oneself crash facefirst into the pavement....not letting any hand raise one's self up....embracing every laceration...every bruise and broken bone....letting them heal on their own accord...leaving no mark on the flesh....but deep "true" lessons in the heart....

Enough i say....to so many things in my life....it's finally time....and for the first time...I really think that this is the end...No regrets....but it's time to move on....not refering to any person if anyone should wonder btw....just things...mindsets...world views...habits....perceptions...that I've outgrown now....

Everyone needs a sensation seeking spin in their life...else life becomes colorless...safe...dull.....but just a spin....stay too long and a deep setted emptiness takes root....stay to briefly though...and you'll never understand life....not properly....

to fall...at least once...

to get up alone....at least once...

to fall prey to an addiction....at least once....

to lose control...at least once...

to reach one's limits....and not be able to move on....

to look at the past...and smile...yet be fully free....

to meet and know the demons and angels inside us....

to know why golden lights bring such joy.....

to walk from the party alone by choice....leaving the chaos behind to wander the streets.....to stand in the streetlamp watching raindrops dance on the streetpuddles....

to stare at the night sky alone....surrounded by stars and clouds...wind blowing strong....

to burst out running...and for a moment soar with not a shred of fatigue....to be free.....

to pour out one's love in estatic writings.....every word bursting with passion...longing and bliss....borrow not the words of others to speak for your heart......don't let laziness and fear stop you....let your heart speak.....and keep speaking till you finally say exactly what you want to say....

to have the courage and wit to chase one's dreams....not the childish bullrush...but the intelligent hard fought war intent on victory......yet having the courage to risk it all on a all out charge....even....when defeat is certain......pride?...face?....don't make me laugh....shelter your ego all you want....and find every damned excuse in the book to keep doing it....live a half measured life and settle for 2nd or 3rd best everytime.....I haven't got the time....

the past is the past....crush the rose glasses.....there are no mistakes....scars and wounds have been my best teachers....of course...I always KNEW they would be mistakes.....but i would never have KNOWN...if i hadn't made them.....to understand deep in your heart.....the pain of loving with all your heart and having that heart crushed while still madly in love....the foolishness of prideful youth.....the hours...days..weeks...months...years...spent foolishly.....not a bit of it regretted....though i do wish i could do it all over again...exactly as it was~!....

There are important things in life.....loyalty....true fidelity....resting in the arms of someone you love with all your heart...knowing that she/he has recieved you almost pure....few of us are completely untainted i guess.....but far more willing am i to speak of my true romantic past to her....then i would have been to speak of the more sordid pasts that i could have walked...knowing what really matters...having the time to spend on them....cooking and baking incredibly difficult things on one's own....savoring one's efforts.....food orders? have someone do it for me?...no thanks.....

.God gave me these two hands....and through using them i have understood full contentment.....cleaning up after myself...and others....learning to deal with the resentment and bitterness at the selfishness and laziness of others....starting to understand the joy that honest work brings.....

Learning to be still...be silent....to reflect....to think....to express...to see....

I'm far from wise....i wonder if i ever will be......but i think i'm slowly starting to become the man i want to be....

I'm alone.....and I've grown to be very happy being so......I soar best unfettered....till the day I find the one who soars.......

When I meet you....will you take my hand i wonder.....

~

Back....

Finally...much more centered now....

The next few months are going to be....interesting....

:)

~

Am about to vanish for a week or so~

Plan to return with some dreams recaptured~ :)

Almost to the last hurrah~

Marking's finally all done~ hahahah~

Just mark entry tomorrow and it'll all be over for this sem...well almost I guess...some research ends to wrap up.....

mmmmm~ i wonder what is it about tight deadlines that put me in a cooking mood...have been realllyyy lazy cooking wise lately...havent really been trying anything new for ages....so i decided too tonight..hahahaha~


Pan grilled chicken in slow simmered rosemary sage butter


Was rather lovely... =P...didnt have the energy to make any side dishes...but it went down rather well on it's own...esp with the reduced herb laced butter as a sauce~

~

Time......

Trickling past......

Can't seem to hold a moment still to make it last long enough to really breathe.....

I've paid a price for my dreams for a time.....I won't be able to keep paying these wages.....the cost is too dear.....

Leave me or learn to fly where my heart longs to soar....

In the heart of the night I can hear the call of my younger self echoing.....promising deepness infused with darkness.....magic tinged with mystery....bliss so precious....

The cost....to cut my bonds and soar....

A price i'd pay time and time again.....

This is why i'm who i am.....why i do what i do....why i dream what i dream.....

My wings chafe in their restrains......

I ache to soar....

~

What does it mean to be remembered....

Why does everyone seem so concerned about how people remember and think of them when they're gone....so obsessed with the thoughts going through the minds of those around them when their glances meet....

What does it matter if the world think us saints when we're monsters inside....consider us decent when inside we're filled with filth....consider us brilliant when we know we're not really all that....

Play a role darling....dance for the world and make them all love you....no one will know....if there's a heaven in such matters it's voice oft seems silent on earth.....

May the lies eat away inside you when the night falls.....when you're alone.....No matter how much you try to decieve yourself deep inside you know.....

Look in the mirror....what do you see?

~

mmmmm~ finally the semester's drawing to an end.....just a few more things to get done before i can really get down to things that really matter....*toasts*....

Life's been an amazing journey.....so many choices made throughout....

I'm glad of one choice that i made so many years ago....to weather alone....to gain strength...to learn the hard way....to not shelter and let other souls fight my wars....

I'll never be one of a pack....it's just not in my makeup...the drifter...the loner....the one on the other side of the coffee table staring intently at you as you sit alone....asking you who you really are inside....leaving tons of questions and walking off in the night to answer his own....

That's who i am at the core....walk with me for a time if you want to know me....dont bring a friend or i'll just dance in a mask.....dont expect anything....and you might just be quite surprised.....

I'm coming back....i can feel it....

~

I long....to love again....

To dream.....to fall asleep with a smile on my face.....to not know which is better my dreams of reality or reality itself.......

If i knew where you rested this night.....I would leave for that place at this very moment....

To see you....and to fall....once more....

~

Passionate pleas fall on cold hard earth.....

I seek for eternity but clash with mundanity almost everytime....

Almost is the key though.....the chance brushes with magic keep me hungering for more.....

So tired....surrounded by shallow waters....longing...yearning for the touch of the deep....even if it destroys me.....

Longing for something.....out of reach...not even knowing what it is.....it would be amusing if it weren't so depressing.......

At least some interesting challanges have been placed within sight.....surmounting then will at least grant some amusement......

What have i been resting from.....i wonder.....work....i guess.....

Now....i wonder where the sky is?

Flames~

My soul cries for its twin.....
My heart...yearns for a partner....
My mind....longs to play with another's....

I long......to be out fenced.....to spar....to have another to match and fight to surpass.....

I long to rest in dancing eyes.....to dream in their depths....

I've grown tired of clutching at straws....at trying to seek out sparks.....i long for a flaming whirlwind to plunge my world into madness...leave me gasping for air....grinning in wonder as the events of the next moment lie completely shrouded in mystery....

I long to grow so attached to another.....that i fear to lose them......

So drawn to another.....that a world without them seems bare....

I long to lose myself....

I long...to love....

Find me.....

Set my world ablaze....

~

There is greatness......the hope of greatness....the hint of majesty lurking in the wings of the theater....the promise of a dream....of reaching and comprehending a level beyond anything that your mind has ever touched before.....the question is not....why do i search for what i search....but why so few see the horizon.....

~

Elitism is too often wielded as a shield for egos that have grown far larger then their owner's substance warrants....

It's almost (note...almost) entertaining.....to see the sheer number of minds that truly consider themselves brilliant....yet lack a real reason to believe themselves so.....

Merely being a little more educated then the norm is scarely reason to believe oneself a tormented misunderstood genius... ;)

More often then not....when one wonders why one's moments of brilliance are not understood or fully appreciated for the miracles they are...it is because those moments are far closer to the garbage bin then the heavens....

~

One of the hardest things i've had to learnt to do.....is to sit still with an active mind.....it's incredibly tempting to find something to do.....something that doesn't really NEED to be done....something that fills in the gaps in life.....fills in those moments that lie between here and my death...

Such precious moments they are.....prehaps the reason lies just there......to treat them as precious would be to treat them as they are....finite....by treating them as though they are countless in number, i create the illusion that they are....an illusion that will last till the weight of days is heavy enough to force me to admit that the time of their end is drawing ever closer......

I use my days.....relatively well....i must however, learn to use them even better..... :)

~

In time all that's hidden in shadows comes to light.....

Maybe not directly....a conjurer's cape whipped off a demon rabbit.....but indirectly....a seeping influence that darkens and taints the very fabric of one's soul.....

It's folly to do in secret what we would fear the world to discover....

To live a life without shame....to have nothing that merits being hidden for fear that others would look down on us for having them in our life......

I have extremely high standards....most souls who fly along me for long are amazed that i actually have and hold on to them....i'm demanding....to say the least....of myself and the people around me....especially ones who wish to live by my side....

My new year's resolution.....is to keep my life as i would will it.....come what may...... :)

~

Ran a mile in the rain today......it was awakening...in ways that only a solo run in a storm can be.....

I have to learn.....not to run from myself....to not distract myself with silly things....to use that time instead to allow my thoughts to branch and my mind to flower.....

I have to learn....not to fear little things....to remember that courage is not the ability to face things that most people fear....but the ability to face the things that "you" fear.....

Soon the year will draw to an end.....in the one to come, i must learn balance.....

I must learn to balance the growth of my body, mind and soul....

I've prized the 2nd over all for years....it's time to learn, for the sake of my sanity and happiness....to balance the three.....

I have much to learn tis true.....but i also have much to feel and experience....many physical mountains to meet face on and climb....

The dazzling heights of intellectual mastery are amazing no doubt....but for reasons, true satisfaction in my life is reached when I match such climbs with challanges of the heart and body....

I'm learning to....to still my voice....even when others ask for guidance to not go astray....even as i watch them do so....

We need to find the path.....and my time for guidance has passed....I will raise questions and queries....but i will no longer guide any soul....save perhaps the one my heart falls for someday.....

~

It is refreshing....to finally be growing again after years of self imposed "relative" stagnation....a stagnation chosen by choice for the simple fact that it was the path that allowed me to conserve the most energy....energy that I could then use to hold my inner restlessness at bay whilst i completed the mundane life tasks that had been set in front of me....

The subjects themselves were never the challange.....forcing my mind to stay on the tame surface of the sea whilst the deep mysterious depths of the ocean called strong, was the real battle......and now....free at last....I can let my mind sink slowly into the depths again....while for the time, I restrict myself to exploring the simple shallows...at the corner of my eye the steep drop that leads to the true ocean beckons......

When i can calm my soul and mind enough to have their reins in hand, I will take the plunge once more.....and challange my mind once again....to learn my limits and understand all that i can of this world.....

I have run out of patience for the so called "divers" who insist that they understand the beauty of the depths for all they are, yet restrict themselves to a mere headpoke from their surface places.....sheer laziness, lack of will, fear, and a hundred other reasons keeps them from plunging their minds into the battles that rage deep beneath....I am done with trying to tempt them into exploring deeper waters....stay on the surface for all your days and let your minds rot....tis what your efforts deserve....

~

I feel it is important for me to write a little...everyday....

It's slowly becoming a tradition...a habit you could say....

Today i allowed my center to stray....i can't think of a better way to put it....

I know the cause too.....a usual one...easily avoided...

The admitance of falling is as it always is....difficult....there is always the tendency to rationalize the fall....or worse, superficially admit the failing without really allowing it to reach into one's inner sanctums....a usual "yeah i messed up again, but i sorta expected it so it's no big deal" line....some (the ones i flee from with as much strengh as i can spare) sheild themselves from the pain and knowledge of an individual failure by shutting their eyes to the one and opening them to the many..."of course i failed...i'm a failure, it's who i am"....

It is crucial....to have the strengh to bear the responsibility of a failure for what it is...a willfull slip...that we could have avoided....that we wished to avoid......to understand that life will only grant us a limited number of slips to make....before we begin to forget....what it is, we are trying not to slip for...

Remember...for the love of God...and all that is meaningful in your life....Remember....

~

I've learnt that life shouldn't be too easy...

When it is, my will and soul falter and grow weak....

What is it that i seek.....

I'm growing more aware of what it is as year by year moves by.....

Yet....i'm still not completely able to verbalize what it is I desire....

It's an emotion....I know as much....a very raw...pure...primal one.....

A feeling more true then anything i could every imagine....

The path to it however.....is complex beyond belief.....what roads lead to it and what roads lead away?....the only guide i've ever had is a inner guiding.....a sense of my mind thinking and operating at a level of conciousness that i could never "conciously" be aware of....

When i touch it I know....thoughts and emotions that are "tainted" so to speak...of a nature that render them unworthy of conception....are clearly seen and effortlessly pushed aside.....the people around me that i touch see the light for as long as i show it to be there....

Talk less....think more....

Use the com less....read more....

Study less....learn more.....

Critique less....

Meditate and think for an hour a day.....

See people as people.....

Be me..... :)

Growing....

I'm growing a little wiser...not much....but just a bit....

So many "head known" things are becoming "heart known".....

I've moved on completely now....even to the point where i no longer seek any substitute....

I've also learned quite a bit about objectification....and vow never to engage in such.....

I'm watching some of those i taught wander lost.....not able to seek the shores on their own.....this time i think i shall let them do as they will....drown as so many have...or swim....i've led you all as far as i am willing to.....

Now it's time for me....

:)

Strangers....

I owe several strangers so many things.....

To you....
Who taught me that i could love....
Even if you were incredibly twisted.....
Through your form i saw the sky again...after years of gray....

To another....
A random moment....opening doors at a bookshop....
who taught me that thunderbolts could strike unannounced on sunny days....

To another.....
Whose dancing eyes caught mine at a random turn around....
Who's giving me hope that out there, there are people who can make my soul dance.....
I've woken up to so much through you....even if we've never spoken....
Somehow through you...I've learned that despite my confidence and openness to the world, i don't trust a single soul beyond myself....
Somehow through you....I've reconnected to a part of myself....that's simply amazing...that somehow was too rusty and covered in dust to be used before...
I'll leave you completely alone....I'll never walk in to mess up your perfect life...my role this time will simply be the stranger who walked by for a moment....
It would have been lovely....to have heard your song though... ;)

~

Perhaps a mistake...perhaps not....

Why....i wonder.....

Yet.....the right thing to do....

Self-torture?......

:)

I shall indulge....

Just because.....

To you~

This is for you.....

It's strange....how the winds of chance and rivers of time flowed so perfectly....

That such a simple decision as where to have lunch....a decision i mulled over for an hour...analyzing virtually every option i had....lead me to a place....where i would see you...on a day where my dreamside was flowng so strong......

I still don't understand.....and perhaps never will....how strange a thing it is....

That one person...so unknown....can somehow captivate and inspire one to such a degree.....

How a link forged in a instance....can bind...and tug on one's heartstrings with such tenderness.....

I wonder if i made a mistake that day....

If I should have instead....followed my heart as I had always done in the past.....and spoken to you of the light i saw in your eyes.....the way your smile bewitched me....how lovely your sweater looked on you....how i could listen to your voice....for hours on end....

Perhaps i should have....and said....to the devil be the consequences....this is who i am....and this is what i feel.....

Yet perhaps....this is a better way....you're happy in your world...with someone who means a lot to you....i'm happy in mine...dreaming and growing as i always do......

*toasts*......

Take care.....



Good night... :)

Me~

I am who i am....

Intelligent...tough minded....driven....demanding....

Fly beside me at your own risk....

Keys?

I walk along the water's edge...till I finally catch sight of it....a faint light far below, hidden deep in the watery depths...

I dive...

Into the lake i sink deep....as the air escapes my lungs the line between death and life grows ever more thin....

I rise...

I'm here....

Safe at last in a place of my own...where none of you will bother me any longer....a place where i am safe...to drink deep of the waters of my mind.....to plumb the depths of tomes so rich in knowledge that i can only wonder at what they might hold....

Cut off from the world at last....a cave of silence, safe from the jabbering of empty minds....

What is it i seek?....to enrich the world and make grand contributions to the field of knowledge? To have the world acknowledge my "greatness" and cite my works for years to come?...To make a change in the system....to be a drop in the stormy sea of reality?

I must plead....not guilty to all those charges....

I seek.....a quiet cave....with shelves of books extending endlessly in the light of everlighted candles...

I seek a quiet kitchen with a hot pie in the oven and warm stew on the stove....

I seek a reading room with a cosy armchair bathed in golden light....the strains of violins playing in the airs.....

I seek to read and learn till the end of my days....i seek to drink of the wonders this world has to hold...even though i know that at the end i will release them all and all will be as though i never was.....

I just want to know...and understand....and find a mind like mine...who can ride alongside mine...and know, what it is i search for...and why...i search for it...

Else...i ride alone....

As always.....

As always...

Dreams of dragons....

The world is simple too full of fools to spend too much time wondering whether or not i'm one of them.....

If i were to dream of dragons soaring in a midnight sky...what sort of mind i wonder...would let me do such a thing....

Why does there seem to be a depth of meaning in a reality that seems to have been a stroke of chance of galactic proportions...

Why can i perceive beauty....imagine...wonder...ponder....

I know the answer that i should be using....but that seems so empty and somehow lacks a sense of fulfilling meaning....

.........

Dreams~

mmmmm~ where am i headed...which dream do i chase...which way should i go...which race is my race....

important decisions need to be made....slowly at least...my mind begins to be still enough to think through them....

on this silent hidden blog....

I write....my thoughts.....and wonder....where i should go...

Legend....

I'm hard on everyone....the world...me....you...the ones i love...the ones i hate....

I know the world's in shades of gray...but i live it like it's in stark black and white hues....

It's not easy to be me...it's not easy to be around me...i'm critical and hard...i push myself and the ones around me hard...

Ride alongside me though...just for a while...see my world and dance in my world song...

I think i know a source of strength that I've been denying myself for a long time...it's time for me to allow that to flow through my veins and heart....

Tomorrow i shall start to reach for it...and allow it to flow....

Live~

Most of those i know are already dead....

It doesnt matter that their hearts and lungs are pumping away....

Life was lost a long time ago...

It's incredibly sad.....

To watch and know that one day....something will happen...and they'll wake up...and wonder where all their years of life went...

LIVE

Embrace freedom with meaning...

I'm leaving most of you....most of you will never hear me sing again....only a few of you will listen to my words as i continue to travel this life...

I have grown....more then perhaps even the closest to me can understand.....

I am starting to break free now.....

It has become clear to me....that most of you...feel that this is it....that you've grown up....that now life begins...

This is barely even the beginning....in 10 years i expect to change and transform MORE dramatically then the past 10...the 10 after even more.....

Life flows through me more powerfully then it ever has.....i'm chasing a thousand dreams...my feet launching me skyward, higher and higher with every leap.....money?....i'm confident that i'll have that....but that's so far from what a dream is to me that it barely crosses my mind....

So many dreams.....such an amazing life just waiting....

Am I too optimistic? Possibly....but my heart feels that if you stand around shaking your head at my hubris and naivity....you'll be left far behind as i begin to soar...

Live.....

Make those sacrifices you know you have to make to reach your dreams...

Think bloody hard on what is meaningful for you....think harder then you ever have on what you want to do with your life and where you want to be....toss out that damned tattered quasi-dream that you've been tenaciously clinging too since highschool....that worn out thing that never really set you ablaze enough to be willing to fight the world for....that pitiful thing that you're not willing to give up everything for...

Would you be willing to be poor to reach your dream (assuming your dream isn't wealth)....would you be willing to be alone for your whole life to make it come true?.....

do you want it all? do you want a half alive dream...one that is pathetically furfilled...but furfilled just enough so that you have enough meaning in your life to not kill yourself? So that you can live with a little bit of everything...a little bit of this...and that...wondering inside why some people seem so mad to do the things they do in the name of a "dream".....

I can't wait for you....i've been here for a time...gathering strength to face the challanges that i KNOW will come my way when i chase my dreams....

I'm getting ready to fly....even if i fall and plunge earthwards....
Goddamn it....at least i tried....
Even then....in my heart i have soared....

Change....

I change....It's part of who I am...

People close to me are often astonished by how dramatically i shift....and how quick the shifts can be....

The closer they are...the more obvious the changes are....

It's strange though....change never dawns on me gradually....

Almost always the pattern is.....

A feeling of stagnation....A sense of being trapped....An almost oppressive sense of being caged in a world far smaller and far less "real" then where i could be....

A breath of fresh air blows in....with all my heart i search for that faint tear in the fabric of my current reality....when i find it it seems so intangible....as though a mere breeze would make it vanish.....Yet as i gaze and focus on it...it opens....and my reality turns inside out.....and i grow...in a way that I cannot truly express in words.....

And in that moment....bliss....a sense of knowing...a sense of peace...a sense of understanding ideas and dreams that only a moment before seemed so mysterious....

And soon....the cycle begins a new...

I change....It's what I do....

It amazes me....that so many....fight it off....that so many...don't seem to see the need to reach for it.....

And so I change...and I grow....

Reaching for bigger dreams....
Drifting in ever more dreamlike landscapes...
Understanding concepts that once seemed so out of reach....

Looking back with a wry grin.....at the places i used to be....knowing of course...that that stage was absolutely necessary....to make me the man i am today....

I change.....

That's all there is too it really... :)

Sing...softly...

I've been away for quite awhile it seems.... :)

I haven't been idle though....life's been packed with learning...experiences...realizations....the works really...

10 days before i shut these pages down.....

They've been up for years....(everything's achieved on my disk for my personal memory walks)....

They document an interesting chapter of my life...my college years....

And from tomorrow onwards they're pretty much settled.....

They were.....a blast.... :)

I've learnt a lot...I've brought change to many...Including myself....

I've left for a bit...once the sem ended...to read through the pages of the years....

I'm not quite back yet i must admit....but i will be...

soon...

*toast*

~

mmmmm~ i've neglected this blog for quite a while....

Blame it on the 101 different things filling my plate atm... :)

Everything's great though....

I need to remind myself to slow a little i think....probably will tomorrow....

maybe.... *grins*

Life looks to be wonderful....and full of meaning....

I couldn't wish for things to be any better.... :)

till tomorrow then....

Long walks

A lovely day....my third total day off....

Woke up.....felt like doing some housecleaning so i did....lifted a tonne of weights...then went off on a lovely long run.....midway i decided to change my routine and run off to a little park by my old school....

Passed the gates rather late in the eve....everyone heading home...leaving just me in the middle of the park...watching the trees...playing back some memories of days long past....but mostly....truely being in the present...weighing the choices that i have at hand to make...thinking about the future paths that I will soon have to choose between....looking into myself to see the person i have become....quieting the busyness of the little thoughts to let myself ponder the deep ones that constantly flow underneath them all...

The years truely have been almost miraculous...

And now, to choose and seize the future that best fits my life dreams....

Could do without damned chronic dry eyes (minor as they may be for me) though...*grumbles*....but i suppose i can bear with that... :)

Change...

A change is being born....
Every pore in me screams it....
I have suspended all learning to embrace it....and allow it to enfold me fully...
Slowly I am beginning to form the words to express it's thoughts...

Never....underestimate the power of words on us....

What are your thoughts? They are obviously not words in form...for it is possible to think without them....
Yet words....shape and mold them...particularly the ones which oversee the lower ones...the ones that rule our worldview....shape and mold our experience of life....
Seek them out....the words that change...the words that express and capture what it is will reshape your existence and mold your world into one that holds within it more beauty and depth that your current one can express....

Seek them out quickly...for the gap is growing...

New Beginnings~

Hahaha....

No, my blog hasn't crashed....

It's time for a new beginning....

My College phase is over....

I must admit that i'm just a little bored with myself atm....

Gonna take some time off....stop reading like a madman for a bit....write more...think more....

So much has passed over the past four years....it's time to sit down and take stock....

Time to shape myself anew...

The all out academic was definitely a fun and rewarding role...

But now that it's paid off so well...it's time for me to see if i want to keep playing it raw in form for the next phase.....

I suspect...that the time has come for new elements to be introduced into the role...from the past and from the present....

It's time to dump the past...and incubate a new future....

*toasts*