~

Where's my heart?....

Ah...here you are....

I've missed you....

Been keeping you away from me for so long.....

You hurt to much to hold close you see....

Enough time has passed....

Tonight I'll hold on to you....and maybe soon I'll remember where to fit you back.....

~

Really havent written anything romantic in ages.....bit hard I guess...need wood to stroke the fire.....and I'm pretty much out of wood..... =\

Side note...

Stuck....in....head... -_-

~

Do you wonder at times if I know?....

If I gave you my heart?....what would you to do my world?....

Reading through some old writings (once online here....now no longer anywhere)....

I wonder when I'll allow my heart to rise to the heights (or sink to the depths) that hold the power to inspire the kind of writing that pours my soul out on black ink for my eyes to see and understand.....

Two favourite pieces....from the apex and nadir of my emotional world....

~~~



Sing to me tonight...
Softly...gently...lovingly...

Dance with me tonight
Romantically...tenderly...lovingly...
Watch the empty courtyards light ablaze with a legion of candles as your dress streams in the wind...

Laugh with me tonight
Joyfully...blissfully...endlessly...

Watch the stars shower down...
Watch my eyes burn with you within them....
Hold my hand and heart....
Love me....

Be with me tonight
For today...for tomorrow...for forever...

How would i capture my feelings in words...
Flaming roses dance in a whirlwind...
Silver tears flow into a maelstrom...
A candle falls endlessly into the abyss....
A bell rings in the halls of eternity...

How could my words capture my heart?
How could mere language capture the soarings of my soul?
Perhaps you would understand if you gazed into my eyes long enough to embrace the depths of my soul....
Allow me to gaze into yours in turn....as the torrents of my heart stream into their endless pools...

Love me...for i truely love you~


~Written at a nadir....mired in pain and self-pity....looping depressive melodies over and over....cultivating that bittersweet pain till it began to blossom dreams and hope...~

~~~

A night of light...
What is life?....

As seen by many in shades of gray...seeing things as they are...

Occasionally...a silver of a moment passes....and the world becomes magical...indescibable...wonderous....

they we sleep...and when we rise the moment has passed....and the burdens of life shade the view....

The moment remains there...unseen prehaps....but still there....it never passes....just lies unseen...prehaps...if you took my hand and saw through my eyes but for a moment you could see how beautiful life is...to me...prehaps it is because of this....that at times i feel so alone...seeing a world that everyone just walks by eyes passing over the magic....never glancing back...striving to draw their eyes to the wonder whilst i myself am so entrapped within it exhausts me...

a devilish hand draws back the branches of a tree....raindrops hurling down upon us....she dances away indignant yet laughing....eyes shining...why ride when we could walk together....whilst we do so....take my hand....

raindrops dance on the surface of a lake of sky (mud at the moment... ;) )....a serene cove in a wall of soft reeds....a hidden valley in a world of skyscrapers....to see it and yet remain firmly rooted in reality is an amazing feeling whilst raindrops soar upon us...my arm encircling your form...my lips meeting yours....

hidden within shadows in a world of white light and darkness...forms dancing on a walkway rising from the stairway....a gentle wind blowing across....the archways opening to a world of rising structures with panes of light....no fear...for tonight we belong here...part of this place....as natural as could ever be....i dip your form and kiss you softly....your knees grow weak as you cling to me in whirlwind of emotions....desire...passion...tenderness....affection....stay with me...hold on to me....and prehaps one day...dance with me....

across a table hands dance intertwined....light dancing amongst the twirling shadows across a plane of white...

she sees....*smiles softly*....

And i hope...that she always will....

a choice must be made...showing what could be....what will be....should this path be taken....two roads lie together for the moment....but a parting must be made...

take my hand and see the stars....or leave me....and never know where they rise...

~Written (of course) at one of many high points....blood rushing through my heart and mind....dreams and hope flooding my world....I've made mistakes....so have the people around me....yet...I regret nothing....this is...my life... =)....~

~

So much further to walk.....

So much more to reach for....

So many dreams yet to be dreamed.....

It's a wonderful life.... :)

~

Too many missed moments...opportunities to forge links missed....

The dream...The Life....

Intimacy can't be ordered from a menu.....closeness can't be delivered.....

Too many moments missed....and your place...is outside the circle...till it too breaks....it's pieces moving on to new worlds...carrying with them the memories of all their past ones....

Memories that you....will never carry....

~

How far.....

One step...two....

Nostalgia.....a quiet wondering....of what could have been.....of a different me.....

I wonder where my pasture lies.....when I will feel that I've done enough with my life......

......

I chose this road....and it suits me....more then anything I can imagine....

I don't have time.....to give to a soul who just wants to live and die....walking like everyone else (or deliberately not walking like everyone else, along with the pack of people doing the same thing....nobody wants to be different alone naturally)....

I live in my mind....I build it piece by piece.....

Experiences dont matter to me as much as they do to so many......

They're simply too ephemeral....they pass too quickly.....leaving little but memory...which even when built, fades slowly in time.....course if you pick nice experiences you can gloat about them till kingdom come.....oh how important that is too all our lives~! (note insincerity...just in case~!)

I would rather shape my worldview....build new lens to see reality through....understand the centuries of learning that I am fortunate enough to be able to reach for at the touch of a button.....not for me the google-searcher-know-it-all type of knowledge but rather a deep knowing of...well....everything.....

......

Mmmm~ really need to work free study back in my life....starting to miss it....pretty badly.....

:)

Almost everyone has advice to give....something to say...a view to share...a direction or position they feel you would be better off adopting.....

It can be hard sometimes....to separate the wheat from the chaff.....

I have a simple rule of thumb...I watch the life of the speaker....whom I shall arbitrarily refer to as she for pure convenience....

How is her life?.....How does she bear pain....stress...sadness?...What does she do when people spit in her face?.....Does she have the courage to face her fears or does she hide from them, walling herself in with things to try to forget the darkness?....Can she stand up for what she believes to be right?...Does she have the strength to be disliked...hated...reviled?....Is she a viper in the night....shying away when confronted...harboring bitterness...waiting for the chance to strike when she knows herself to be safe from retribution?.....

Is she someone you would want to be?.....

I believe that following the word paths of another will make you more as they are.....I believe that of my words...and of those of others.....

All that differs may be the strength they wield.....how persuasive they are....how subtly they transform reality into ink....

The end result rarely differs......

Be wary of what you read....and whose words you follow......not only those of friends....but also of the books and pages that pass through your hands.....

The mind is a powerful oftentimes mysterious beast......be careful what you feed it....

~

Don't put up with people who take advantage of you...

When you see a person constantly asking favors of other people...or worse, of you....

O, could you do this for me?...pretty please....Could you get that for me?...Thaaannnksss....I've got to get this or that done you see...I can't do it on my own....

No matter how sweet the flattery they're churning out is....No matter what nonsense they try to spew to get you to do what they want to do....

The only thing for it is to break the suction, peel off that damned leech and chuck it in the bin....

Don't blame them too much....in their minds they're probably well justified in doing what they do....people get used to laziness....grow accustomed to getting people to do things for them....they stop seeing what it is they're doing.....stop thinking about it....

Probably not worth your time trying to make them see....trying to get them stop it and do things on their own.....

What's on the surface are just the symptoms.....the cause is much deeper...and much more hidden....much more darker...then you might want to know....

Just break the hold on you....and move on.....and keep the cancer from your own heart.....

~

Mmmmm~ a lovely relaxing day....

Rose late in the afternoon....had a lazy lunch....organized my computer files....finished off a book....started another....replied a few mails.....had a short workout....sat back to enjoy the evening with a good movie....warm supper...and half a bottle of wine....Delightful~

It's nice to take a day off every now and then....really kick back and relax....

*lounges*

~

Having wandered off the story path....travelling to a place their child selves would never want to be....the dream?....forgotten....never all at once...but rather bit by bit...inch by inch...compromising here and there...postponing a little bit every now and then....till later you see....till...later......

So long as they don't really look back too far....life'll probably be quite alright....just pray that you'll not be left in tears...begging to have a later to live the way you really wanted to....

(s)~

~

Wheee~ new blog started....

http://jemmeck.wordpress.com/

Probably gonna divide writings up into...dreamy stuff...thoughts/views....daily diary like accounts...and maybe more cerebral stuff (though always balk at writing that kinda stuff....can always find lots better online...well for most things at least....)

~

Whew....really long day....

Slept decently late last night....bout 3ish....dreams kept me up most the night....woke at 7...invigilated from 8 to 10...worked hard from 10-11:30, 1:30-4....napped for an hour...room clean up for four hours after that....pretty tired now....probably going to write, read, have supper then call it a day....

(d)~

~

Mmmm~ strained me wrists arm wrestling...grappling...playing mercy...and then sleeping with them in an awkward position...silliness....guess I'll do some lower body work till they're up to 100%....

Musings....

Funny how so many parts of the heart can't be reasoned with.....how so many emotions chose to stay when they don't belong....how thoughts drift into consciousness when you'd rather they not.....

Memories......

Funny how everyone forgets.....the things they do....the things they say....

Thoughts...Promises...Dreams...Hopes...Wishes....Encased in words...

Drifting off to oblivion....

Leaving little trace of their creation.....

History gives depth.....A deep foundation of memories...

Of pain....joy...happiness... and grief...

Rather then hastily erecting personalities with the changing winds.....feeling a deep lack of direction & purpose....wondering why some days seem to low and other so fun....

Build a castle strong.....able to face the storms and demons of the world....

Remembering the little things.....is important.....

.....

Not Love....or undying loyalty....rather...convenience...and a lack of reliable options...

....

I think I've conditioned myself to associate tonic water with alcohol for life....

....

Wonder what I'll do in the days to come to amuse myself.....Mmmmm~ probably start by changing my schedule around a little.....

....

~

Mmmmm~ tricky making time to write.....every night it's the battle of...

Reading vs Studying vs Resting Early vs Writing

The last option always seems to end up losing out... -_-

Still, managed to make some time today at least....*dances about*....

Pretty good day....decent hour long workout worked into it....

150 mountain climbers.....50 pushups...neck isos...120 seconds of "cliff hanging"...60 wheelies...12 pylo pushups...420kg of hammer curls...240 seconds of side planks...50 dirty dogs....

A nice not too tough workout (tgh the cliff hangs can be a pain)....slowly getting to the level of strength and fitness I want to be at....

(which is atm....360 climbers...150 pushups...450 seconds of climbers....150 wheelies...36 pylos...900kg of curls...720 seconds of planks...150 dogs...)

Funny/Sad how people tend to overlook the importance and value of being in good physical condition....either not doing anything at all or making half arsed efforts at it (Wheeee~ light gym work for a half hour three times a week will do it~! [Thus spending 1.2% of their waking time doing anything of decent physical value])....fitness should be taken seriously....for yer health....yer mood stability....yer energy levels....yer looks...etc..etc...I do just barely enough most weeks at my 5 days a week 2 hour sched....(9% of my waking time time doing fairly intense physical work)....usually try to add on more by brisk walking a mile and a half every weekday (an actual full distance...not the half arsed adding up of little walks here and there)....and taking the stairs whenever I can....it's not quantity it's quality is an often repeated mantra (often said by people with routines that have none~).....it's true....but make it quality quantity with a good diet and good amounts of rest and you'll really get somewhere....

Mmmmm~ almost finish drinking my warm peppermint brew....gonna be a full busy day tomorrow....hopefully a good one~!

Feel like writing more....but I really should be letting my eyes have their well earned break.... :)

Nitez~

Analysis of schedule~!

Got home later then planned...started workout at 7:10...finished at 8:00...bathe ate napped organized com till 10:00...napped 10:30...studied e-prime till 12:00...had brisling and bread for supper till 1:00...prepped for tomorrow, got ready for bed & made a nice hot infusion...1:30 (now)...writing day's report/musings....off by 1 hour from planned...hour lost in not getting home as quickly as planned *note to self on trying to leave office on time*...spending too long eating supper & bumming around a little too much after exercising....

Hahahha~ least I'm slowwllyy getting back on track....always tricky trying to compress so much into one day....need to exercise my willpower my strongly from tomorrow onwards....

Musings....

Comfort zones are safe.....they're cosy....nonthreatening.....I'm starting to notice an interesting trend....friends explicitly walling themselves in....stating pointedly that their dream in life is to have nothing threatening or stressful in it....to not think about things too much....too not reach or achieve anything....

Kinda like wanting to be a cosy hamster....

I suppose to each his own....but what surprises me is the vehemence with which they declare their life beliefs.....the apathy of youth raging through their systems....

I want to do nothing with my life...it's my right to do so and there's nothing you can do to change me...so don't even think about it....

No problem....once upon a time I might have felt it meaningful to try to change things....to inspire a sense of meaning...purpose....

I've had many successes through the years....some failures....expended masses of energy doing so....

Now I think it's time for me to focus that energy on my own dreams and goals.....reach for something for me.....

Live as you will.....inevitably our paths will part....for these roads are not at all compatible....

I will not judge....but I will abandon....

~

A good day.....

Analysis of schedule compliance....

Dinner/Nap/Bath a little delayed due to uncontrollable circumstances.... +1.5 to bedtime...dinner got stretched thanks to slightly off tummy (either uncooked chicken or bad lettuce the day before)... +1 to bedtime....atypical activity of form filling added in the mix...+0.5 to bedtime...

Total = + 3 to bedtime...reality...+3.75 to bedtime....

So not toooo bad...I guess....will get down to it...slowly but steadily....tomorrow real study work begins....be fun trying to fit it all it....

Musings....

I don't believe we're born with a purpose to reach....I am, if you haven't already figured, strongly existential in my life philosophy....I believe that we construct meaning....meaning that may only have meaning to us.....hopefully that meaning fits into society well...if not, then well....best of luck.....

I wonder sometimes if people spend too little time thinking about what's really important to them....what they realllyyyy want in life....spend too little effort constructing meaning....eat...live...die....

Our actions are molded by what we perceive to be important...without having ones that are, at the very least, a little more enduring, our actions become shaped by transient emotions & thoughts...oftentimes acting against what we really want in the long run....

Then too late...we realize we wanted something we lost....something we tossed out with the trash....something we neglected and dismissed as being unimportant.....

Pity.....

Musings....

I strive for constancy.....whether the winds of romance blow in your heart or not.....even when they lay still in mine, I am to you as I would be to a person who was as you....with or without those feelings in the wind....

Too easy it is to break a heart.....scar a soul....destroy the potential for future dreams....

I will not do to you what some have tried to do to me in years long past.....

But don't mistake pleasantness for weakness or vulnerability....

Give me the same respect I give you....

I'm softer now then I once was....but push me too often....and tis best we part ways till the sweet or bitter end....for I do not want one who acts as you in my life...just as you clearly do not wish me in yours.....

Ladida~ Been able to most of my goals going so far....cept for the sleep at 1 bit....always end up w/ 1 hour of lag....annoying that....gotta think of a way to find an extra hour during the day.....Mmmmm~...well suppose the past two days have been exceptional cases....will ease into things slowly.....least I'm still finding time to write here~ ;)

Mmmmmmmm~ Life makes a lovely game.....people making moves and counter-moves with differing levels of awareness of the consequences of their actions....sometimes almost reaching their goal before abruptly giving up and self destructing....every action has consequences....every word an everlasting trace.....

Mmmm~ I've learnt so much over the years....with so much more to come....I can't wait to see what life has in store for me.....

It's going to be lots of fun....both for me and for the souls who journey along with me....by mutual desire~

For now...I need to rest up for tomorrow....going to be another full day....might be playing aerobic instructor for a day~ x)

~

Whew......quite knackered...nice tough workout today....to plagiarize myself...

"Stair runs continues.....brief 500m run at 12kph then 4 * 265 steps stair-runs...2:20 each w/ 1:00 breaks (whilst waiting for the lift down)....goal : shave 20 seconds off each run & double the number of sets.... -_-...gonna be a fun month..."

Got my planned marking done too....turning in to bed 1.5 hours past my planned time though....bah~....lost time hanging around too long after my workout & stoning too much at home....will avoid that in the future....

All in all a good day....

Musings~

Funny how how we look can so powerfully shape our lives and personality....look a certain way and your the "nerd type"...another and your the "prim type"....especially for girls sometimes....tis interesting to observe people being molded by how people think them too look...and probably more importantly....how they see themselves to look....

The Lady plays with funny dice.....

~

A good day....cleared up my to-do list considerably....

Next week, the new routine begins in earnest....to continue for perhaps till August, when I bid my present world farewell and embark on a new adventure....I wonder how I'll be....what persona I'll adopt....will it be the one I play now...or something completely new.....

Mmmmm~ whatever it is...I'm sure it will be lots of fun......

Heheh~ postponed tonight's writing a bit too much....need to turn in before my eyes explode on me....

Rest well....with the sweetest of dreams....

~

Busy tired Bee....

Life is good though....even with a to-do list that's pretty much has a life of it's own these days... =\

Musings.....

In some unsettling news...I didn't let you in on my secrets to have you crowing them out the world, trying to make it look as though you're special with an amazing insight into my mind....what you know about me is what I've told you about me....thinking you could keep such simple things secret....instead like a buffoon you mindlessly blare them out to the world ruining the delicate frames I spent weeks weaving together....I don't make the same mistakes twice....

....

In happier news, I had a lovely lifts day...breaking 7 tonnes of them...cant remember if I've done that already...

....

In worse news....Had a nasty eye flare up today....a flash back to the bad old days...after years living with dry eyes personally, talking and sharing with people who experience the same...I've realized that it's really something that you just won't understand unless you've have it yourself for a couple o years or so....try having sand in your eyes every minute every hour every day....feeling tired every second....dealing with the anxiety that the condition brings with it...I cope really well all things considered...maybe too well sometimes to the point where people forget what a delibilating condition it actually is...

Least I've got the glasses on now....brilliant stuff....as long as I don't push it, I'm actually relatively fine most all the time....new annoyance though of putting up with infantile jokes on them every now and then....most people are great re: them, some even quite sweet... :) ....others though are a royal pain in the arse... thoughtless really I guess....which is really what ticks me off...the humor is fine...even the insults really....but the thoughtlessness is the thing....

Here I am....struggling with a condition that threatens to destroy my dreams....for the sake of your comfort, tolerating being environments and actions (turn up the A/C~!) that I know threaten to leave me with damage that could take weeks to patch up from....and what comes back my way?

Goggle jibes....the odd comment on ridiculous you think they look (I actually kinda like em now so what you think doesnt really matter. xD)....the odd mindless remark on how you feel odd being around me....the occasional joke involving them ("we'll just steal his goggles and he'll be helpess!"...Harhar...like to watch you try.......)...

Jokes and insults I can take....the fact that you...someone I consider to be a friend can be so thoughtless....quite honestly, makes me not want to keep you as one....if I lost a leg and had to wear crutches for life...would you crack jokes about beating me in a 100m dash?....If I lost an arm, how about jibes about me not being much of a boxer anymore?....

You have no idea of what I've lost......I'll might never box again seriously....I live knowing that I'll be explaining my interesting glasses for the rest of my life....heck on bad days I even wonder how wearing them will impact my life goals and misc dreams....I've had to cut back on some of the things in life that gave me the most joy (e.g. reading)....even hanging out in the mall can at times be a dangerous race against time.....

You don't understand....not one bit...

Sometimes I'm glad that I have this cross to bear...It's made me stronger....it's shown me how some people really are inside....it's given me another reason to reach the stars.....

I'm not giving up.....and I'll be more then you'll ever be...

April`!

A month since my last post....hahahah~

Think I need an outlet to dream and rant....shall allocate some time everyday just for these pages....starting....tomorrow...Hahahah~

Tis a good night in any case....sipping peppermint whilst winding down from the day...

Life is a funny little thing...least mine's well back on course...so much to get done....the days to come will be fun indeed.....

*muses*...

Funny how I can't seem to write a "real life" story without it lapsing into absurdity....perhaps that fact sheds quite a bit of light on my worldview....society is absurd...life is absurd...(note my worldview is existential though)....either die laughing or crying....I like to laugh....

*muses somemore*

Sometimes I think google & wikipedia has destroyed the potential in many bright minds....why learn something when I can wiki it?.....forgetting that a towering intellect needs strong foundations to not be undermined....forgetting that whole textbooks have been written on topics given just a few pages on the wikiworld...we remember that fact when we hold a real book...but it slips away in the wikiworld...it's updated by the world 24/7 so it must hold everything I need to know...and so on...

MmmmmM~

Too sleepy to muse more....my bed calls~ (d)~

~

Mmmm~ really neglected this blog for the past month or two....really should start writing here more often.....ahhh~ time...how precious you've been these past few days......

Bah....such is life....shall see if I can budget some time for writing in the days to come.....

~

Mmmm~ wish I could write tonight, but I can't seem to find my emotions.....

Pity....

~

Music is music....how it was made, is to me, irrelevant...be it the product of centuries of musical development or pop fluff, if it touches me...that's all that friggin matters....

People who reject music because it's too mainstream piss me off.....how the hell does that matter....

People who are drawn to music for other reasons.....perceived prestige....popular vote....etc....are to me in the same boat....

Music is music....I love it in so many forms....

I listen to fluff pop (A1 anyone?)...virtuosic classical (up for liszt?)....Rap (anyone into tupac?)....oldies (die hard bee gees fan)...country (Micheal Montgomery ftw~)....even R&B (admittedly only a few songs from this genre interest me)....I do listen to some indie stuff, but generally the elitist attitude of listeners of this genre annoys me....seems to me like a fixation at a teenage desire to be unique yet belong to a group at the same time....tis not like the genre is rewriting the principles of music.... -_-...."oh you like the song to?...that's one person too many...I don't like it anymore"...is to me....a mildly retarded way of appreciating music......

Music is music.....

If it touches you....sometimes that's all that matters....even if the world thinks it's crap, if you love it, you love it...nuff said.....

*Moves from A1 to liszt to beethoven to  the used to dumdums to 911 to vivaldi*

~

A quarter of a century...wow...time doth fly......

So many memories.......

Life has been amazing thus far....and it seems to be getting better and better....I can only imagine the heights'll rise to in my lifetime.....

Mmmm~ feeling a little emo tonight...channeling time~!
~

The softness of my lips against yours intoxicates me.....the gentle melding of our hearts never ceases to amaze me......the warm press of your form against mine makes me feel whole....I can't seem to hold you close enough......

I love to watch your eyes dance....hear your laughter echoing in my ears.....smile for me....just once....and I'll remember it....for the rest of my life.......

I love....to run my fingers through your hair...caressing your face....touching your cheek gently with my lips.....

I love you......I truly do....

I love walking with you in the rain.....love watching you work....love listening to you talk...love watching your eyes grow wide with surprise which flows ever so quickly into contentment as I impulsively hold you close.....

Rest beside me tonight....sing to me softly....dance with me......

You hold the starring role in my dreams....for now and, if my wishes have any sway, forever......

Rest in my arms tonight......rest against my form.....be at peace......

Let my strength give you comfort.....

Let your worries be at peace....It will be alright.....share your burdens with me.....we'll make it work together....it's just the world....we can take it on......

Ask me anything...and the answer is yours...I swear.....no secrets.....just be sure you're ready for the answer......because I'll won't lie to you....and if I ever do, I swear I'll fix that moment of weakness, if you can't accept that....I'll understand......I'm human I guess....It's hard to be more then that, no matter how hard I try.....

Share with me your dreams over steaming cups of coffee.....I'll do what I can to make them come true.....

Would you like to hear mine?....fancy as they may be?.....I know you'll understand....

I want to share them with you.....my dreams....my darkness....my secrets.......

Hold me close......chase away the shadows.....give me the strength to fight off the demons of the night.....as long as I have you, I can do anything.....

Dance with me....for tonight...and forever....

~

You can get used to almost anything....


....


Best keep an eye of for what you're getting used to right now.....

~

Its always dangerous to try and play two games at once....

To me there are few things more irritating then...

The soul who tries to play it safe.....those who make certain to build an emotional haven....venturing out from it gingerly and running back to it the moment things look unsafe for their tender and all important emotions....like a gambler at the table trying to default on a wager saying he never meant to make it and that it's all just a misunderstanding on the part of the house....a loathsome creature cheating all sides involved for its own benefit....it should be shot and left to die, but in all likelihood one of the more foolish sides will end up wrapped around its little finger...such is the way of things....unjust as it may seem...

The soul who builds an intellectual haven is about the same.....the ones who go "I never really cared all that much anyway" when things don't work out the way they'd like....the souls who defend their tender hearts with "your loss" and demonize you so that they don't have to handle rejection...those who replace their once tender words with talons of insults veiled in the barest pretense of sarcasm and wit....words that do their best to hurt instead of inspire humor....."oh look at me, I'm being sarcastic and doing my best to make you look insignificant and sad because that's how I feel"...it's annoying, but at the same time inspires an odd kind of sadness....why do people have to be this way?..

Such is life......but these two souls I will avoid and keep at arm's length the moment I sense their presence.....their games bore and disgust me.....for me the honest soul who freely admits love and pain....who doesn't try to rage and rant away....honestly...if they're that way before the relationship even begins, can you possibly imagine how they'll be in it? -_-...Good lord...

~

Started writing again....tgh nowhere close to what i'd like them to be.....will post again when they are....

~

He closed his eyes.....and slowly...finger by finger...inch by inch....released his hold on the world....

None of it mattered.....

No more words were needed.....

Nothing needed to be explained....

No misunderstandings were worth the energy to clear up....

None of it mattered.....

He would let it all go.....and as time and time before....move on....

Roaming the planes...searching for the secret places where magic still breathed.....

Life had hardened his soul...gifted him with jagged edges around his heart.....sharped his mind to an edge.....

Life had taught him that while there is strength in numbers.....there was a deep strength in isolation.....a strength that grew the longer it was borne....

Loneliness was a feeling he left behind years ago....now the darkness in his heart was home....instead of being afraid of shadows....he found in them inspiration....hope....dreams.....

There was light and truth at the surface of the cave.....but in the heart of the cave's darkness....there was wisdom for anyone brave enough to bear the darkness long enough.....

If you stood there in silence....you could see stars in the depths of the earth....flaming embers to rival the night sky of above....flames that burned eternal....raw emotions....primal feelings....root thoughts.....

He stilled his heart....and strode into his depths....an old friend was waiting for him....it was time to converse again over mulled wine by firelight.....the thought made him smile....

Mmmm~ cant believe I never heard this one before...heheh~ like the chorus... :)

My favorite crushing song.. =D

Army of two being a favorite love one..... :)

~

Search for " Ooooo~ found an old archive on blog posts from 5 years back.... " to see the reason for all the reprinting... XD

Ahhhhh~ really need to make time to write pieces like that again...lest I be left with mere fragments of pieces to reconstruct my writings from period of my life again in the future.....

June 11, 2007 : A marvelous age

 // Me~ //

We live in a marvelous age....

Once there was the truth...etched with the finger of God on stone....till at last a millennium wore it away...

And it was passed on from soul to soul...

Yet...each soul had it's own views on the meaning of the truth...for it had seen the etchings from a different angle...a different shade of light if you like...
And so each passed on what it felt to be the truth....pure...to this day...
And now...what a marvelous age we live in...
Everyone...seems to hold in his/her hand...the power to see what the truth really is...
"I reject institutionalized religion"..."This is my view on what those words meant"...
"It's fine to pay homage to blasphemies as long as I don't believe in them"...
and each draws to themselves followers ....having shaped the iron of truth into whatever form suited the way they wanted the truth to be...the way they wanted to live their lives...

I whisper softly...

would not the truth be true...even if one did not want it to be?
would not the lies be lies...even if one could prove them right?
at the heart of all things...will our shaping of the words of eternity...
bring a tear...to the eye of God...

Yet...who am i? A searcher on this plane...not knowing...seeking for the truth..and the knowing...
With my eyes opened to the heavens i wonder..

April 21, 2007 : Heaven's frost

 //The piece that inspired all the reprinting....this is me...then and now...I didn't let the distinction between the me of then and the me of now....I must remember to never let it rise//

Heaven's frost unfurled slowly across dead window panes...

Never forget....his thoughts ran wild around the room chasing themselves in turn...more then the semblance...more then the echo of past dreams...never forget the path....

His fingers danced over the rusted iron keys...the clatter of hammers echoing eerily in the isolation of the silence of the chamber...maturity and immaturity...each pillar alone crumbles...to understand the former allows full embrace of the latter...and the union of the two...

More then a remembering of a childlike view of a world untouched....rather....never allowing a distinction to arise between the me of then and the me of now...

The harsh world blitzed in cold white snow as page after page of cold dark letters poured onto the stone floor...swept lost by the wind...unimportant...never important...yet...necessary to hold on to the memory of life...and exist....

Mere existence....is echoes in emptiness....
Blind existence....echoes of echoes...

A chain can be bind a man to a burden...or it can be the tool he uses to help drag it onwards...

April 02, 2007 : ~

 //The gap grew and grew.....and now, seems to wide to ever be crossed//

The gap is growing...once they were young with head full of dreams...once they held onto what they believed in...and what they felt was right...

As they walked forward....their eyes never gazed back....and the road behind was forgotten...and with it they lost themselves....

And now they stray in the airs of now....unable to center themselves in a being that they no longer fully know...

Wants...needs...desires...that reflect only the surface of the deep lakes....

The gap is growing...start running...

March 06, 2007 : In an empty hall~

// :)//

In soft trails of moonlight a soul sang in silence...his voice dancing over the ruins of old stone and brick shaded in shadows and still light....

With still hearts and closed eyes...a memory of a memory rose in his song of a song...

Some rise aloft in flocks of white and black feathers...others stay aground gazing forever skywards at the sights of the heavens they long to reach....others...take flight in the dark...black wings concealed in shadows as long strokes bear us skywards into the mystic heart of the night sky...

The most fascinating of thoughts lay hidden in tombs of white paper....the most dreamlike of dreams stay out of sight in the untold depths of my mind....

The puppet dances at the will of the puppeteers who command it to sway from the left to the right...an awkward disharmonious grotesque dance....only when their eyes dance away from the puppet does the keen eye see that the puppet...has no strings...

Only rarely when a soul happens to drift into my old ruins of stone...as i sit in my empty hall...with a head full of dreams and a mind free of chains....do i take flight...but in the light of the morning sun...the puppet dances once more on phantom strings...and the minds of all...do as they do...forget...

December 01, 2006 : A Globe...

//I loveeee discriptive writing....need to get back to doing it more often//

I often write of globes of light in the scenes i carve....yet...a few days ago i realized that i never described what i meant by them....a realization that dawned when my golden globe of light was likened to the metal plated golden globe awards....*moans*....and thus a piece....To isolate the element we view the subject as suspended in a void

~

Softly a glow births from the darkness...the gentle haze seeping into the shadows holding the worst of them at bay....floating gently in the airs it spins gracefully as our eyes lite upon it...

A surface of rock crystal with bright veins of fire all aglow conceal a half misted world that holds within an unseen golden source....gazing into it's half translucent depths we behold a dancing haze spiraling about a fiery red glow...it's blinding radiance tamed by the swirling waters that flow along it's face...heated red hot....their presence betrayed only by the gentle stirrings that arise as we move the creation with our palms...

Concealing within a world of dreams...of dancing lakes of fire...spinning vortexes of lava amidst a rainstorm of flaming lances piecing from the sky...

Even a part of a world within...even the mere lighting that dances upon it's walls....holds countless words to describe it's beauty...

This is my globe

~

And to those who feel i use too many words to describe an object....read something else...i revel in descriptives...for they are all i see... :)

September 29, 2006 : Post~

//Always meant to spin these fragments into something bigger...never did get around to it... -_-...just like my never ending to-do writeup on a dragon's ghost...ah well//

In the echos of Heaven , hell is birthed. In the dawning of a new day the death of the one before is born. In the beginning of Eternity the setting of forever has come.

In the chasm of flame a song is sung.

I was not always dead.

A bell run and the demon awoke.

September 13, 2006 : Memory Song~

//I like this one.... :)..//

Softly a song spun wordlessly through the trees….a gentle smile borne aloft the winds…words meaningless yet so meaningful…lost emotions rising with every inflection…a grin growing unbidden as the wind blows across the shores on which I stand…drawing joy from a song ununderstood…gentle strains of music edging quietly from a world I once knew but had somehow lost grip of in a moment now past…

Would you smile if you saw me now?…the wind blows strong lifting my hair wild about my face…euphoria rising deep unrestrainable…would you laugh if you knew me now….what would you say if you saw heaven through my eyes once more...of glistening reflections in tiles…of dancing stars high beyond domes of glass…of morning mists as dew dripped from the morning grass...mmmm~….if you knew me know…who would you know?....through cloaks and shadows would you see the light nursed gently from the storms that howled ceasedly…seeking to plunge yet another soul into cold darkness….would you touch a world never lost…see a smile never daunted…hold a hope never diminished…

The winds slow as the song breeze roamed on to other skies…after having touched mine for but a moment....blow again for me one day mmmm~?...as I raise my glass to days gone by and songs once sung….to notes once known and to words once said…to hopes once held and dreams once hoped…and at last…I raise my glass to the times to come…to the songs i’ll sing..to the notes I’ll know…to the words I’ll say…to the hopes I’ll raise…and to dreams I’ll build…to them I sing tonight~

August 20, 2006 : Of a night once past... (2)

//Hahahaha~ some things never change indeed... XD//

He stands abroad the steel walkway high above the night sky….sitting a top the world nestled in the black steel giant….the skeleton of yet another building soon to grow to grace the panorama of buildings rising as far as the eye could see….

I don’t believe anymore…..he whispered…..i’ve seen to much…I’ve lived too long…I’ve weathered too many storms to stay the course….i’ve walked alone for too long to understand what it is to love again…Touch him…leave me….

Touch….such a simple thing that can convey so much…a caress….a punch…a slap….a stroke…a kiss….he’d set up walls to so many opening himself to just one….not that she had similar walls…nooooooo…..she would touch them all….of course the touches meant nothing….he was the one she loved….he was the one she wanted….not that it mattered…prehaps it never did……

Memories are strange things….the tone and mood of them flowing to suit the tone and mood that arise at their retrieval….and tonight they were all bittersweet….he stared out alone across the night sky….he knew where she was and what she was doing….perfectly….he could have run off to someone more pleasant….pick up a girl and spend the evening making out til the sun rose….

But he loved her and he knew inside him that he always would even if his cynical toungue refused to utter the words…..

Tonight he had needed her….and had reached out for her for the first time….the lack of a replying hand….wrought a devastation that he would never allow her to see….

Who was he tonight…..he was not sure…

Thinking…

Fear of being seen as unstable and emotional arose….but what if that was who he was?....what if he was indeed unstably emotional…..

But was that true?...his emotions never affected his work and duties….the only sign would possibly be in the rash actions and the occasional conversation that screamed I am off balance~!

He leapt….what else did he have to do?

August 20, 2006 : Of a night once past... (1)

 //Not one of my best pieces....but it was a rare attempt at trying to convey my desire for sharing my world with someone....and keeping that world safe.....haven't been able to resolve it yet...maybe I will someday...:)...//

Softly he cradled her in his arms as she slept peacefully within their depths…the swing rocked softly in the cool night wind as he gazed quietly out across the pastures that went on as far as his eye could behold this clear night…he gazed at her gentle face as his hand stroked her warm cheek tenderly…delicately he lowered her onto the swing and nestled her in a cocoon of blankets and pillows….then he turned his gaze away and walked into the night airs…looking back just once to see her face turned away from his amidst the soft bundle that encased her….
 

To smile gently or to gaze ahead emotionlessly…his foot trod the cobblestones of the path that rode from his home to the place that called to him…his ears caught every sound that his feet stirred as they met the pathway that led him away from her and to the worlds that called to him…why?...he would return doubtless…but her words spoken echoed within him…it was amusing how some lines forged images in the minds of their receivers that the forgers do not seem completely aware of….unpleasant pictures that lingered on even when the words had long faded….

Tonight he sought solitude to rid himself of knowledge that lay about his heart as the stench of death…suffocating the life that constantly welled from within him…stifling the dreams that flowed endlessly from his soul springs…he wondered if she noticed the change that she had wrought in him….laughingly he shrugged his shoulders as he shook his head…he knew the answer…and it amused him endlessly…it could be so simple if he sought it to be…

He smiled as he reached the place…he glanced around quickly as he ducked between a crack in the mountainside and walked a little ways til the ends of the pathway began to glow in a soft light…he closed his eyes as he passed through the final archway of stone…feeling the air around him change to a welcoming cloak that rested upon his form gently…comfortingly….cradlingly…he sat down eyes closed…stretching his feet out against the smooth faced rocks that lay beneath him….the thunder of crashing waters falling from heights unfathomable filling the air with a gentle yet primal rush….he opened his eyes slowly…drinking in the immensity of the cave glowing in a soft green lights dancing on the walls reflected off the lake’s surface as the waterfall streamed down from channels in the walls with aching power against the rocks at it’s base til it rode down to a gentle stream flowing into lake barely stirring the waters…

With a thought he filled his world with the ivory and ebony notes of a song that he had longed to hear against the air…the words that he had longed to hear her sing…he thought of her in her world so far away from his now…and he wished that she was her with him…he wouldn’t be sitting on the edge of the lake….no…he would be in the waters with her…watching her eyes dance in the glowing light…gazing upon her form against the waters of the lake as she rose from the depths her hair streaming down….should he return to her or gaze at his lake?

August 20, 2006 : To Write of Tonight

 //I used to have a lot more time to write... -_-//

ahaha...mmmm..one of the pianist nights came along tonight...and thus beyond bidding...stories and tales rose uncontrolled...spinning and whirling into canvas....mmmm....prehaps to share one... =)

~

Gently…barely moving…a pen grazes the soft white paper beneath it…in near stillness words take form upon the canvas…edging their way towards the creation of a new work …upon this night….

A path of smooth rocks lie upon the still waters aglow in a haze of gentle white light….slowly the waves echo across the surface….gently…softly….edging towards the final call of tonight…

Time echos…once….twice…three times in fold…a steady beat beyond the wanting of knowing that most men can bear to hear…listen…softly…gently…slowly…in silence I sit upon the rocks listening to the gentle strains of the song…

A gentle hand…a soft step…a still smile…I gaze across the waters into the mist that lies across it’s horizons…I write once more…

Sometimes…only in solitude…do some words make themselves known…still words…silent words…soft words…effortlessly hidden by words with more brute force and meaning…but sometimes in stillness there can be a strengh beyond that of raw power…

An echo rings a sudden through the world…something…something I need to understand that has not yet been understood…something that I should grasp and cage in words to make it real….yet…I won’t…in isolation I hold within once again the heart of one who knows and understands….

Ofttimes I wonder what twould it be like to have a soul alongside when these rare moments come along…a few have chanced upon as they rise alongside…but none in the recent year…despite the faint lures I place upon their shores….mmmm…not that it matters…prehaps if I understood more of how they rose…of what winds they soared upon….prehaps then I would be able to wrought their creation through free will…but if it could be done…should it?...

mmmm…solitary silence brings a certain joy to it…a certain peace…a certain understanding…to sit alone in the silence of the night…the sky as dark as could ever be…the wind blowing gently….as though all the world were empty…cold and dark…and twould be so for all eternity…free…for you to wander in it’s eternal night…never to gaze upon the face of another living being as you roamed immortal for all time….

The moon would sit alongst the stars…a still wind ever blowing through the shadows that lay upon the branches of sleeping trees never to see the light of the sun again…fear?...prehaps...but one infused with a calm peace…

Lights from streetlamps would dance amongst the stones…empty park benches forever resting under the still glow….to sit in silence…for years….never to utter a word…for what being would hear them echo through the airs…gazing through glass windows into empty shops…furniture lying still…never to be touched or rested upon again…to walk through the glass doors of a coffee outlet…the cold air rushing past…empty…the lights still alight…the soft armchairs still waiting for the return of lost souls…

mmmm….through the doors of an elevator…it’s back open to view this silent world….we rise…to the rooftop of the highest building that lies in our sight…and we stand against the wind…at this world…this world of still shadows…of eternal emptiness…how fitting…for this night…and for those ever to come…

~

//Selected portion from a blackout night...=P//

....i also learn that ice cream sticks burn very well...and that their embers are more then capable of burning holds in mattresses when blown across the bed aloft a frantic puff of air.... *grins*

And thus by candlelight i wrote of my life...i poured my thoughts onto the white canvas...with shadows by my side i penned a story that told all that i had to say and more....

July 12, 2006 : Tonight....

//been chasing that emotion for a lifetime...I wonder how I'll be when I catch it//

Feeling a little strange today....as though the world is more real tonight.....

Feel the faint stirrings of an old sensation...hearing the echos of forgotten songs....that damned sense of almost remembering something....something that was beautiful in a time long past gone.....

mmmmm....would hunt it down...but I do have some work to get done tonight...grrrr...hahahaha....

Realised something interesting....sometimes I wonder if i'll get tired of something after years of it...today i re-realised...that the time i have with such....may be all that i ever will have....even if i was to live all my life with it...would that be enough?...*smiles softly*

And nowwww.....to work~!

July 08, 2006 : hahaha....

//bad thing about not keeping recipes...I used to loveee this....now I can't remember how its made -_-//

And thus John found a rack of lamb and a sack of potatos untouched....

Lamb Potato Gratin~!....

hahahaha....decieded to try something new that is currently basking in the warm glow of my oven....hehe....ended up spending most the night cooking and eating away...

did manage to organize the stuff that needs to be done in the next 2-3 days....and i did read up a couple o chapters while cutting lamb/slicing potatos/mixing the batter/......multitasking~....heheh....

mmmm....tonight's menu shall be a massive sinfully rich creamed gratin smothered in harvati and mozzarella.....muahahahah....(8) foooddd glorious foooddddd.....

I think i'm high on chocs...=S

July 07, 2006 : Alternating... [selected portion]

//random speculations.....do those a lot =p//

some words are safe....gentle ripples on the lake....others carry more weight....ranging from pebbles to boulders crashing into the waters....

some words...

Are like flames dancing on the lake's surface....scorching the waters.....dangerous words....these are the field of words that rage inside my head tonight....even as i pen them in my journal i fear they will burn the pages...hehehe...thus rendering my journals ever more unreadable.....

June 24, 2006 : A night of light...

 //The reason for my closing my blog all those years ago....latter part was describing an evening o so long ago...a night that one meant so much....that now has no importance in my life save for the role it played in my growth//


What is life?....

As seen by many in shades of gray...seeing things as they are...

Occasionally...a silver of a moment passes....and the world becomes magical...indescibable...wonderous....

they we sleep...and when we rise the moment has passed....and the burdens of life shade the view....

The moment remains there...unseen prehaps....but still there....it never passes....just lies unseen...prehaps...if you took my hand and saw through my eyes but for a moment you could see how beautiful life is...to me...prehaps it is because of this....that at times i feel so alone...seeing a world that everyone just walks by eyes passing over the magic....never glancing back...striving to draw their eyes to the wonder whilst i myself am so entrapped within it exhausts me...

a devilish hand draws back the branches of a tree....raindrops hurling down upon us....she dances away indignant yet laughing....eyes shining...why ride when we could walk together....whilst we do so....take my hand....

raindrops dance on the surface of a lake of sky (mud at the moment... ;) )....a serene cove in a wall of soft reeds....a hidden valley in a world of skyscrapers....to see it and yet remain firmly rooted in reality is an amazing feeling whilst raindrops soar upon us...my arm encircling your form...my lips meeting yours....

hidden within shadows in a world of white light and darkness...forms dancing on a walkway rising from the stairway....a gentle wind blowing across....the archways opening to a world of rising structures with panes of light....no fear...for tonight we belong here...part of this place....as natural as could ever be....i dip your form and kiss you softly....your knees grow weak as you cling to me in whirlwind of emotions....desire...passion...tenderness....affection....stay with me...hold on to me....and prehaps one day...dance with me....

across a table hands dance intertwined....light dancing amongst the twirling shadows across a plane of white...

she sees....*smiles softly*....

And i hope...that she always will....

a choice must be made...showing what could be....what will be....should this path be taken....two roads lie together for the moment....but a parting must be made...

take my hand and see the stars....or leave me....and never know where they rise...

June 16, 2006 : Moonsets....

 //The standard emotional night....never did like the word emo...rings of dismissiveness....emotions are important....never saw a reason to try and be a manically grinning , pseudo-optimstic ,emotionally imbecilic, fake....//

...staring out my window at the setting moon in it's cradle of shadows...

Moroseness settles on me tonight like a shroud....not unexpectedly....thoughts weave intertwined with emotions in this perplexing cloak that envelopes me...it's difficult to tell where one thread begins and another ends....a part of me whispers to my soul to grab hold of the blade that lies within my realm of conjuration....to rip asunder this tangled web.....

yet...the cloak...is beautiful....a work of art the like of which I have rarely if ever laid eyes upon....

hmmm...i'll wear it for a while longer then...and see if I can't learn to harness it....=)

The night calls again...i shall wander in it's depths for a brief eternity...

June 10, 2006 : ~Exhausted~

 //Mmmmm~ haven't had one of those coffee chats in agess....//

feel so physically drained today...have been spending most o the day sitting on my bed with a book whilst my collection o oldies danced around the room in rhythm to my bobbing head and lip synching...hahah...probably my body's way of telling me to just sit back and relax every now and then....hehe....God knows i probably wouldnt do it lest i was forced too....

Life looks quite interesting at the moment...=)...the coming days should be eventful....hahahah....dont run too far... ;)

hahaha....what will i choose to do at the end of all things?...hmmm?

feeling too exhausted to type more....gonna slug more...=P....~wheee....*happy sluggie impersonation*

~Song in my head : Nights on Broadway (hahahahah)....

I love talking with people one on one....groups are fun i guess....but there's nothing quite like taking someone away by him/herself and just talking with that person through the night.....unlocking doors and revealing passageways that lay hidden even to them til the right words soared them skywards.....my fondness for words, truth and dreams comes out quite strongly.....hehehe....in the words of a friend when asked out for coffee.....

"you'd probably reduce me to tears dammit, you're psychotic when it comes to coffee and 1 on 1 talks"

=P....in a good sense....i guess there's some truth in that....*shrug*....what's there to lose?....can promise that you wont be bored....and there's a possibility of forging a thought that you'd never forget....

June 06, 2006 : As Raindrops Soar....and stormcrows dance!

// Some things....never change...and I hope they never will... =)....//

Hahahaha.....strange how the rain seems to wash your soul....

Finished classes today....and a storm blew up....choices available?....

A) Wait it out
B) Take the bus to main block
C) Walk off into the storm

I tried!....=P...i tried to restrict myself to A/B....i couldnt...hahahaha....it really calls to you doesn't it?....something inside you roaring "come"....felt the drive building and building til i couldnt stand it anymore, left my books with a nice friend and ~Whhheeeee~.....hahahahahha.....was soooo fun....

Think some people at main block must have thought i was nuts....cuz when i got there the storm really began to rise.....again....i could walk normally in the shade safe from the rain....orrr.....*grins*....step out and feel the wind driven rain hurling against me....*shrug*....i tried... ;) ....this time my eyes were skyward....and too my wonder i saw dozens of black birds flying high in the clouds *envious gaze*....was a beautiful moment....

All good things come to and end though...hahaha...I finally dropped by MacD's at the end of the walk....for some bizzare reason i wasnt cold sitting in the air conditioning drenched....*shrug*....stranger things have happened....

Realised something very interesting today....one of things you've known and heard in your head for years....but never really *Knew* until suddenly for some reason things click into place like little gears and start spinning ~Wizzz~....This realisation has made things a LOT simpler....and to me at least...beautiful.....

Walk off in the rain someday..... ;) ....You know you want too....

~

Ooooo~ found an old archive on blog posts from 5 years back....

Mmmm~ feels in some ways I was better at expressing myself back then.....

Hmmmmmm~ Cue reprints~!...and regular writing practice to get back to that mode.... =)

Happy Birthday~!

It's a good thing I learnt to walk alone so many years ago...

I can truly be completely happy...celebrating my birthday without all the usual fanfare of wishes and flood of calls and smses that used to mark the years before......

I chose to cut ties to this chapter of my life...save for a few bonds....looks like I've managed to do so....with remarkable success....Hahahah~..for the first time in all my life.....at midnight...all was silent......

Tis just human nature...people forget quickly...a year is an eternity to many.....how many remember everything?.....

Not everyone mind you...I was touched by the souls who against all odds and maneuverings went out of their way to make the passing hour of midnight memorable....*sweeping bow*.....you keep my cynicism in human nature from completely engulfing my soul......in the darkness there are lights....few as they may be......they inspire hope.....

~ To a certain someone~...thank you...for a lovely night....I'm sorry....I wish I could reciprocate your affection....you're a lovely person...and I'm sure you'll find happiness...probably before I do.....will probably end up attending your wedding a bachelor....... in all your wanderings and explorations.....I hope you don't forget the person you were in exploring the person you are.....just a random statement though...ignore if desired....... :)

Dreams.....Love.....Life.....

I love my life....I really really do....

Everything fits in and flows as I love them to.....

Just one acceptance letter....and it'd all be perfect.....

Random musings follow...
.......

I wonder sometimes.....

If I give the impression that my view of love is all about whirling firestorms and heated passions......

If I do....it's because I don't post my writings on the intimate....tender....personal....side of love in my eyes......

Soft whispered words....tender embraces.....butterfly kisses......

More important to me.....then the most fiery flames of passion.....

But....they're not for the world to see.....

They're for the eyes of the one that I will love....they belong to her.....

I'll read them to her over candlelight.....slip pieces into places where they will be found....whisper them into her ear as I hold her close......

Those words are the foundation of a real romance....in my humble view of course.......

........

Ahhhh~ I miss verbal fencing......my blade's grown pretty dull....too much slapsticking has worn out its edge......I wonder if I still have it in me to launch a noteworthy advance on a skilled opponent.....

Short supply of those lately....(if I have one more monkey who thinks going off on a bizarre tangent is being witty, Imma gonna club its brains out).....
........

To another certain someone....yes....you have no chance....once upon a time perhaps....but your talents at the game are lacking...you lack the chips to play at big stakes....you can't play me as an equal on just bravado and bluster....you can't try to take my principles and strategies and blunder about on the field with them....you need your own...with your own reasonings behind them....I know my game better then you ever will...how readable do you think you are mounting a grotesque travesty of it?..... I wish you all the best and I hope you find happiness.....

.....

Kisses to build a dream on.....always loved that song....ever since I heard it in 1998 (solid memory vault to the rescue~!)....didn't know what a kiss felt like back then though....but still....

......

The future looks to be bright and full of magic....I've kept my heart, mind and soul intact (would say body save for dem damned eyes) through storms and upheavals.....this chapter of my life looks to almost be at a close....a remarkable chapter it's been too....can't wait till I reach this point in the writing of my memoirs....(which is coming along..really really slowly... -_-...)......

Against all odds....I'm still me....

It's good to be alive....

*toasts*....

Now....for supper~!

Lazy Garlic Butter Chicken~

 Lazy recipe 2~! My last resort fallback whenever I run out of ingredients to cook chicken with...or when I'm too lazy to do anything elaborate...:P

1) Get the butter melting while you....

2) Chop up the garlic.

 3) Dump the garlic in and simmer while you wash the chicken.

 4) Dump that in...

 5) Toss in bone bit up and season with pepper and a touch of salt.

 6) Flip & season~

 7) Brown it semidecently making sure to coat em well~

 8) Drop heat to really low and cover~

 9) Leave for bout 7 minutes or so...them come back and flip...

 10) Ready~!

 11) Left over juices and whatnot...sensible thing's to take just a bit of it for gravying...but I'm lazy so...

 12) Dump milk in....add more salt (and pepper if you like)

 13) Heat it up nicely...no need to boil....

 14) Serve~

 15) Eat~

A safe, fairly predictable dish...good as a fallback...shd be able to make it at almost any place...Mmm~ need to stop being lazy....*vows not to make this for the next 2 months*... :P

Lazy Shepherd Pie~

Heheheh~ felt like posting some lazy cooking recipes....starting w/ a lazy shepherd pie....

1) Boil up the potatos, cubed under high heat.

 2) Get some butter in the pan melting whilst you chop up the garlic. Add in the garlic and let it simmer under low heat whist you prep the rosemary....

 3) Add in the mutton, rosemary, salt and a touch of black pepper. Throw in a generous amount of american mustard (to taste) and ketchup/tomato puree. Brown the meat nicely and then leave to summer under low heat.

 4) When it looks like this, it's done.

5) Make the mash however you like it, dump the mutton in the pan. Cover with the potato.

 6) Brown top in the oven and eat~ :P

~

Mmmm~ must try and schedule back in my old classical music analysis hour.....

Wonder where I can steal the time from....Mmmm~

~

This wasn't in the script.....

To have your perfect smile dancing in my eyes, racing towards my heart....

Mmmm~ if you only knew...the songs my heart sings of you....

Yet....dreams are dreams....

I built towers and castles without foundations in reality....as I often tend to do.....

I chose to forget you...as you did me.....

.....

Old emotions...finally had the time to put them into words...

Mmmmm~ miss that rush of sheer romantic joy when you make that someone you love smile....heh~

Reality bites....but everyone has to live in it for a bit I guess...hahahah~

~

If I told you I loved you....what would you say?

Dreams.....

I love mine.....

The best kind of dreams for a soul like me....unreachable......

They would probably discourage almost anyone else...to know that you're going to strive all your life and never reach a goal.....

For some reason.....they inspire me.....

......

Where do you rest tonight.......

I wonder what thoughts fly through your mind......

Do you dream of me?.....Do you wonder if this world holds a soul that could hold you....and make you feel whole?

Raindrops dance from the sky....world currents flow through and around us.....we are linked....I know it....in some weird and unfathomably complex way perhaps.....but connected nonetheless....

A note echoes in the night as my fingers dance a long the keys......perhaps a molcule around you shifts in response.......

Love.....I hunger....thirst....long for its touch on my heart....

Love....dance your fingers on my soul....chase the logic of my mind away.....whirl my heart in your burning flames......

Sing to me of forever......take my hand and spin my world on the dance-floor of dreams....

Kiss my lips and hold me close...drift gentle whispers promising an eternity of bliss into my heart....

I hold on......

I pray you do too......

Let's not sacrifice our dreams on the altar of hedonism.......

Let's dream of something more.....something that almost no one in the world truly holds on for...

It's there....we'll make it real.....so don't give up.....because I'm never going too.....

Church bells ring in the halls of eternity....my heart calls out for you....even when my mind thinks it mad......

If the world they tell me of is reality....then mad I would rather be......

*toasts*

~

Looking back....I've come so far.....

So many memories....so many moments.....

Still.....the restlessness.....

I'm not where I want to be......but at least I know I'm heading there......

Sometimes I wonder....if things would be less complicated if I just sealed inwards again.....like in my childhood.....

In silence and peace.....race towards my dreams and goals.......build myself into the person I want to be.......

I get tired sometimes.....

Of feeling like I don't belong.....

Of having to hold inside what I really want to say.....

Of being misunderstood.....

Of not being able to connect and feel heard.....

.......

Someday the pieces will fit.....

.......

I'm still me....that's all that matters....

I'm on a journey....those who want to walk with me are more then welcome...those who don't can go where they will.....

If I have to walk alone.....that's just fine....

I don't dream of the things the world says I should dream of....

Who's wrong? Who's right?.....doesn't matter to me.....

I've never cared....not gonna start....

I'm walking on.....

~

So many beautiful songs lost.....tied to people and memories that I'd rather not remember but whom I'll never forget.....

Need to hoard the untouched ones....hahaha~

.....

Sleep tonight in peace.....I'm myself again...and no longer lost....

Goodnight~

~

Standing right in the center is tough.....

Just a little tip to the side and balance is lost....and with it direction and purpose....

How long can I stay centered this time?.....

Mmmmm~

~

Mmmm~ feel like a pheonix....

With drive and determination...I've recaptured my life....

Not going to let it get away from me again....

~

!Mmmmm~

I wonder how much of our lives has been shaped by the music...movies...and books we read....

I started reading really early....

I finished Narnia when I was seven...which was when I started reading LOTR which I finished when I was eight...(still amuses me a little when people boast about LOTR being the longest book they've read).....I read so much so early in my life....puzzling over ethics and philosophies....right and wrong....the meaning of life...the purpose of my existence....learning about the stars that lay in this world that could be reached.....the mysteries and dreams that might just be true....my favorite book....and what I believe to be the greatest work ever written is Don Quixote....I read it ever 5 years...and find something new in it each time.....

I think all of that has shaped my worldview immensely.....

My drive for improvement is incredible......endless in depth....for no purpose other then the improvement itself....

I dream....and to me my dreams are more real then reality.....

One of the most memorable movies in my life......was a midnight movie I watched all alone at the age of nine....

Man of La mancha....

It made an amazing impression on me.....what a life....a mortal man....with a dream....surrounded by cynics and self interested individuals....with one true friend.....the pure nature of his love....the price that his beliefs cost him and the people around him that tried to adopt them.....I had read Don Quixote before the movie so I was able to link in what I read from that.....here was transcendence of base human nature....how it was possible to move past base instincts of lust and greed.....to search and reach for something indescribable yet so much more meaningful....even knowing that it's impossible to achieve....

The rendition of the impossible dream was a highlight moment....I never forgot the song....it's words...it's meaning to me....

I spent years tracking the movie down again.....(an interesting trait of mine...whenever I want something I never forget or stop hunting/searching....for years....)...

Took me 12 years to track....

Was a little afraid to watch it again....wondering if it would live up to my expectations....

Didn't need to be......It and it's message means as much to me today as they ever did.....

If you understand why Don Quixote charged at windmills....you'll understand a lot of what drives me.... =)

Memories~

Memories....

I like mine.....

I've been blessed with a really good memory.....I can remember almost anything I "will" myself to remember for as long as I can....

Be it pages of text.....a conversation.....an event.....

Really helpful in studying let me tell you~ =D

People in my past that were important to me....have books in my memory vaults....

I can sit down and write and write page after page on the moments we shared.....the minutes that passed between us.....the words exchanged.....

After years of remembering.....I must admit it makes me a little sad sometimes...to see how much people forget....

Not that it's compltely a bad thing....forgetting is good....helps people cope...move past bad things quickly....etc etc....

I feel like a library keeper.....watching people in other libraries...throwing their books out of the window....erasing volume after volume....setting some ablaze.....there's a special kind of pain at seeing it.....[if you drink, it's the kind of pain you'd feel at watching a premium spirit shatter on the ground]... XD

I'm a diary keeper.....I've kept diaries since I was 10.....defintely a strong contributor to my memory....I dont read them often.....but the act of writing somehow writes things into my mind...and heart....

Memories are funny tgh....one funny thing that I get reminded of every now and then....and just got reminded of recently.....

Extrapolating how a person is going to turn out from the memories you have of them, is one of the silliest things you can do.....

That candle of potential you saw in someone.....the possibility that that person could become someone amazing....someone wonderful that you would want to spend the rest of your life with.....rarely ever grows into the warm fireplace you thought it would be.....

Oftentimes they blow out.....a different path is chosen....

At the end of the day....the magic is gone....the moonlight fades.....and you're left wondering....did the magic ever really exist?....

Maybe it did....maybe it didnt....

I lift my quill to a volume....dip it in ink and pen the final chapter....a decade after I wrote the first word....

....

People forget.....I won't....I'll remember it all.....past....but more importantly...the present.....

I write it all down.....character by character....word by word....page by page....

I wrote of the person you were......and of the person you are....and probably will be.....

I read my words.....and feel certain.....that there's no magic in this volume.....

I place it back on the shelf....and sit awhile....gentle melodies floating around....warm cuppa in hand....gazing at my library....

What shall  I do this evening......read an old volume....write a new one....or just sit here for a bit....

And rest.....